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Why we must confront hard historical truths
"Not that long ago I received an invitation to spend a few days at the historic. Of James Madison. James Madison of course was the fourth president of the United States, the father of the constitution, the architect of the bill of rights and as a historian I was really excited. To go to this historic site because I understand and appreciate the power of place. Now, Madison called his estate monpellier and mom Pelia is absolutely beautiful is several thousand acres. Rolling Hills farmland forest with absolutely breathtaking views of the blue. Ridge. Mountains but it's a haunting beauty. because. Montpellier was also a slave labor camp. You see James Madison slave more than one hundred people over the course of his lifetime. And he never a single soul, not even upon his death. The centerpiece of Montpellier is Madison's matching. This is where James Madison grew up. This is where he returned to after his presidency. This is where he eventually died and the centerpiece of Madison's mansion is his library this room on the second floor where Madison conceived and conceptualized the bill of rights when I visited for the first time, the director of Education Christian coats. Cool. Why do took me almost immediately to the library. And it was amazing being able to stand in this place where such an important moment in. American history happened. But then after a little while they're Christian actually took me downstairs to the sellers of the. Mansion. Now in the sellers of the mansion, that's where the enslaved African Americans who manage the House spent most of their time. It's also where they were installing a new exhibition on slavery in America. and. While we were there Christian instructed me to do something I thought it was a little bit strange. He told me to take my hand and place it on the brick walls of the seller and slide it along until I felt these impressions or ridges in the face of the brick. Now Look I was going to be staying on site on his former slave plantation for a couple of days. So I wasn't trying to upset any white people. Because when this was over, I want make sure that I could get out. But as I'm actually sliding my hand along the seller war, I couldn't help but think about my daughters and my youngest one in particular who was only about two or three years old at the time because every time she hot out of our car, she would take her hand and slide it along the outside, which is absolutely disgusting and then. And if I couldn't get to her in time, she would take her fingers and pop them in the mouth which drive. Absolutely crazy. So this is what I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be a historian. But then, but then I actually do feel these impressions in the brick I feel these ridges in the brick and it takes a second to realize what they are, what they are are tiny handprints. Because all the bricks at James Madison's estate were made by the children that he enslaved. And that's when it hit me. That The library in which. James Madison conceived and conceptualizes the bill of rights rests on a foundation of bricks. Made by the children that he enslaved. And? This. Is. Hard. History. It's hard history because it's difficult to imagine the kind of inhumanity. That leads one to enslave children to make bricks. Your comfort and convenience is hard history because it's hard to talk about the violence of slavery. The beatings, the whippings, the kidnappings, the forced family separations is hard history because it's hard to teach white supremacy. Which is the ideology that justified slavery. And so rather than confront hard history. We tend to avoid it. Now sometimes that means just. Stuff up. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say that states rights was the primary cause of the civil war. That would actually come as a surprise. So the people who fought in the civil war. Sometimes. We try to rationalize hard history. When people visit Montpellier and by people in this instance, white people. When they visit mom appeal your and learn about Madison slaving people. They often ask. But wasn't he a good master? A good master. There is no such thing as a good master. There is only worse and worse her. And sometimes. We just pretend the past didn't happen. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say it's hard to imagine slavery existing outside of the plantation south no, it ain't. Slavery existed in every American colony slavery existed in my home state of New York for fifty years after the American revolution. Why do we do this? Why do we avoid confronting hard history? Literary performer and Educator Reggie. Gibson had the truth of it when he said that our problem as Americans. Is We actually hate history. What we love Is No style.
Success: What It Is And How To Achieve It
"Success what it is and how to achieve it by Mark Bilbo of Mark Bila Dot Com. Many people dream of starting a business finding love or furthering a career to be more successful people want to achieve success for many reasons yet, what does it really mean to be successful are celebrities leaders or a fluent people successful simply because they have notoriety influence or wealth or if those people aren't feeling fulfilled, doing the things they do to their level of perceived success are they really successful? What does success mean. Is Success a fancy title, A. B. House power money a good relationship owning your own company or extensive network of friends or followers. There's certainly isn't anything wrong with striving for any of those. However, success isn't having a big house with a crippling mortgage company is not profitable a job that one hates or a relationship between incompatible people. The dictionary has several meanings for the word success. One definition of success is the attainment of popularity or prophet. Unfortunately. Many people directly relate success to how much money one has or how well known someone becomes. Fortunately, another definition seems more appropriate to define success as the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. Define your own success. Achieving success requires one to wear many hats. Your talents know how problem solving skills and the network of people are your toolbox. There's only one person who will have the passion and conviction to navigate through all the obstacles to achieve a goal you when a team is involved, the only your passion and conviction to navigate the many challenges and hurdles. Even if it's only you on the journey that same passionate conviction are critical for success. However, no amount of skills or passion will achieve success without clearly defining a goal and purpose I. It has to be within your power to achieve the goal either by yourself or with a group of people, and she will will goals have two characteristics they are defined in. They can be split into smaller tasks, otherwise the goalby too broad or vague, which usually results in failure. Discipline, an effort. Discipline and effort are. For success however, those that only put in some effort will likely never achieve the level of success they desire being fully engaged in your work is an absolute requirement. Success requires consistent throughout the journey for the more without discipline to get through the particularly hard or tedious tasks elite to a sub par outcome. To secret here is always have well defined tasks that produce specific results. Everything you do is built upon achieving the overall goal. If a task dozen contribute towards a goal, then it shouldn't be a priority or possibly done at all. Unfortunately is tempting to start with the tasks that are fun or more interesting over tasks that need to be done I. always determine if the task at hand is the most important task to do if not put it aside and do the most important task i. Moreover I was put in the same effort to do it right the first time. Remain focused. Focuses the ability concentrate on the task at hand? Unfortunately, there are many things that can break our concentration application notifications. A noisy environment minute is work area are some examples of things I can hinder our focus. Furthermore our own minds can also break our focus with random thoughts and concerns. Fortunately, someone can learn to focus is a muscle that can improve with practice for the more. Each person has different preferences inhabits to get them into the zone remove any clutter from the work area clutter is distracting does include your physical and virtual workspaces turn off or silence notifications from applications while working clean and organized your workspace by removing anything that isn't necessary for your work. Single tasking. Do not multitask people cannot multitask. The results are always subpar. Do One task at a time for larger tasks break up into smaller manageable tasks and do them in order this build momentum momentum helps keep motivated motivation is a must to reach our goals. Don't try to keep everything in your head develop an external brain, utilize everyday tools like no pad or your smartphone to stay organized take lots of notes and organize your thoughts frequently. Work in a quiet place. Noises are distracting your workspace should be quiet if this is impossible use headphones while listening to music personally like ambient music and vocal trance. Look for opportunities. There isn't a single event that transformed person from unsuccessful to successful success doesn't happen. Overnight success is built upon a person's ability to do work effectively and to capitalize on opportunities that further their goals. Sometimes, an opportunity presents itself mother times. It only appears after lots of work in collaboration with others. However, opportunities can be distracting and lead you away from your goal. Therefore, each opportunity must be carefully considered
Becoming Better Grownups with Brad Montague
"So Brad thank you so much for joining me today I'm really excited to talk about so many things that have. Like the way I had planned on us having this discussion, bring you to the audience has really changed because the world has changed I guess my first question I would ask is, what is it that you solve for the world? You start with the biggest of the big. I guess. So I mean, that's the hope always that somehow were all being views and to realize that you already are being views in some way. That you don't think is remarkable because you've been doing it all along at least that was what it was for me. I didn't realize that encouraging people and telling stories and loving people around me was such a big deal, but it's the biggest deal. So the problem I'm trying to solve is to constantly. Love better in invite other people to love better to. The thing I've learned the most I think in listening to so many interviews with you reading your book is I never hear you mentioned? Money I. Never Hear you mentioned how is this going to turn into a business and that's something I want to learn to do better I believe I follow my passion and my purpose, but I do also always think to myself. Okay. But is this going to be worth it financially like is it GonNa be worth my time financially and I just never hear that. From any of the endeavors I know you've pursued in, we're going to get into some of those. But for example, when I hear you say something like that and our listeners are hearing you say something like that. They think that's great but. I just lost my job and I don't know if this industry is gonNA come back a while love and I want to show up in that way but I also have to focus on keeping a roof over my head. How do you balance those two in? Do you think about it or is it just an abundance mindset? I think it starts with wherever you are so whatever job you have Becomes, a space to love people better wherever that is I've worked plenty of jobs where the lesson I learned was I'm not good at that like I'm not supposed to be doing this right now. But in that space, it wasn't a wasted time I learned how to communicate. I learned how to work with people who've greatly different from. You pick up things along the way. And the moment for us. All is the moment that we're in. It's the moment that we're in and how can I bring my best self to this moment or what do I have to learn this moment would have to share in this moment. When you shift to that, you start to realize you always have something to offer. And to the world around you has something to offer as well. That's a constant opportunity to love and it ignites something in you where I'm definitely have been finding in myself when people that are in my immediate orbit that the more that you kind of focused on how you can. Operate from a mindset of not I'm going to do this for Love I want people to love me engine I. Want Them Ause we operate sometimes Wanting. To be loved when the best work comes when you operate from love like we do things, we do work for satisfaction sometimes like do this, it's GonNa make me happy. Yeah. When you're with somebody who works from satisfaction, they already are at peace and are so grateful to be where they are. There's just a freedom. It's dazzling like I've experienced that with the woman who worked I live in a really small town. Willing to work at the post office and is like watching Michael Jordan play basketball like seeing her just love people taking packages and mail and their long lines. But she knew my kids names, she knew. Everything about people in the community where packages were going where they might be headed where we've had problems. And when we through a parade for her. Was My way of showing. Well, we got a bunch of kids to line up and just surprise the post office one day and he was at her birthday or juice. The parade. And I'm in a marching band outfit. ill-fitting marching band outfit. We go in and I say Okay Dana come on out it's time for your parade. Everybody's here to celebrate you and she was very grateful what she said I have worked to do. I love her. And I just thought that was so great like yet thank you I'm so honored you would do this but I'm already. Happy this towner. Love and the people that
Give Up Control, On Purpose
"One of the misconceptions that I had about this show when I started this podcast five years ago. was that every episode needed to be better than the last? And this was a misperception misconduct option of what this audience needs out of this podcast for a couple of reasons. The first reason is very simple. How do you decide? between two episodes, which one is the best. The easy answer might actually be substitution question. Which, episode, has more listens. Or? Perhaps the heuristic were this substitution that we make is which episode has the best feedback. Which episode is mentioned in reviews the most or which episode has the most chatter on twitter. All of these are just proxies to quality. And there's no specific way to determine. What episodes are? Unequivocally. Better than others. Of course, that's not to say that all episodes are then therefore equal to each other their episodes that I feel. Much more proud of over time but the perception, the confusion that I had was that my pride or my feeling of. Investment or my feeling of quality my perception of quality of the episodes were going to match up with everyone else's. My perception was that I needed to increase control and investment in every episode. But the truth was that I needed to like go of control. And invest less in the episodes not because I didn't WANNA put more of my energy and time. Into caring for the episodes but rather. that. If I tried to be a perfectionist about these episodes, then we wouldn't be able to publish this show on as regular basis. And the interesting factor here. Is that some of the episodes where I felt. Rushed or even. Like the idea for the episode, the premise of the episode wasn't very good. Some of those episodes I actually received very good feedback. You could argue based on those heuristic we talked about at the beginning. But some of those were my best episodes. So, why am I telling you all of this? How does it matter to your career as a software engineer? First of all I do want to mention the fact that this isn't true across the board. Not, every podcast is optimized for delivering two or three episodes a week like this one is. But I wanNA talk about a specific measure. That most suffering engineers will relate to especially as your career moves forward. And that is control. In. One of many things that we often have a confusion about. Perception that could be flipped on its head and many of us would. Benefit from that flipping. Our natural perception most of us at least. That as we gain more control things will improve. As as we have more influence. As. We have more say over whatever is happening. As. We have more information and more power. Things will improve. Our ability to our lives in a positive. Or our ability to affect other people's lives in a positive direction will increase as we gain more control. But time and time. Again, this shows to not be true. And, probably, for a few reasons, one of the first reasons that comes to mind is the fact that most control his actually an illusion. We aren't increasing our own agency most of the time. Instead, we are borrowing agency from someone else or something else. Or we're allowing ourselves to believe that we have more control than we actually have. Now how does this play out well? As an example, you may eventually become a manager in your career and you might find yourself excited to dive into the statistics of your team's performance. An as you open up those statistics for discussion and as you drive the team towards improving those statistics, it may feel very rewarding to see those numbers change. But there's so many problems that tend to happen when we manage purely by the numbers, this is only one example of how control can be an illusion. In this example, managing by the numbers creates very clear. Problems with those numbers if you have incentives to make a given number move in a particular direction. Then it's very likely that you're trading something else off or. You may unknowingly be creating a false measure, some kind of gamified measure. and. So this idea that we're controlling things more that were able to take those numbers and move them in the right direction by imposing our powerful position, for example. On other people that that is somehow a controlling measure. It turns out to move us in the other direction. We get a picture of things that isn't clear. And this isn't a new problem. This isn't a problem that has come up since. We started measuring things measuring performance with data. This isn't new it's not a modern problem. In fact, many philosophers talk about the idea that control is in some ways. The source of suffering for many people.
Are You a People Pleaser? Here's a few tips for Saying No.
"This one's for all of US people pleasers out there who find it difficult or? Finding ourselves regretting saying, yes to things we are putting our needs before other people and we're also looking for affirmation insane. Yes. Two things you might remember I talk about. Different types of communication there really only three when you're looking at. The big scope of how we get our message across to people were either passive were assertive or were aggressive and sometimes aggressive impassive meet in the woods and have a little thing. But for the most part, you can see along that spectrum of passive assertive and aggressive where you fall. If we're on the aggressive side, we tend to let things percolate until we attack. We often do this with those. We love the most the ones we take for granted. We stay no aggressively stepping strongly into this false sense of power about with no regard or attention to the connection with the other person in passive communication we accommodate we say, yes. When we really really want to say, no, this brings us a temporary false sense of peace. But leader, we have apprehension we have rumination and then resentment we defer to the relationship with no regard to our power and ironically end up undermining the very relationship that we want. To sustain or not cause trouble in, we also avoid in this where. Passive and aggressive meet in the woods. We don't prioritize our personal sense of power or the relationship in other words everybody loses. We dishonor ourselves and amp up our own discomfort by leaving something unresolved and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer but instead provoking them silently through manipulation and articulating our needs in a very passive aggressive way sarcasm the no is one of the first steps toward healthy boundaries and often times. It's freaky scary and this is because people have been accustomed to coming to us for things for answers for doing. And we let them. So when they come to us and want to ask something we get flummoxed we get. Locked and loaded into our own discomfort because we really want to say no but they need us and we therefore are pushed in to the ritual of Sania. Like any other type of problem solving in recovery, we need some kind strategy, some kind of practice to help us get to know easier. To give us time, for instance, give yourself a pause before you answer. If you're having difficulty doing that. Structure some time before. In your off time to predict and play through how you're GONNA say, no a helpful strategy that can enable you to say, no with greater ease is gaining this clarity around things you want to say, yes to make a list of your top three priorities an understand that the change. Post these priorities around your house or you're going to see them, you're going to reinforce what's important to you. When someone then asks you to do something that takes your time and energy away from those things that you want to say, yes to fill free to answer the inquiry you know with. Now. I have things I need and what to do and want to prioritize those.
Chasing My Cure with Dr. David Fajgenbaum
"I've heard you describe your life as two half times in five overtimes. Interesting you know because it sports reference comes easy you. Grown up as a kid in around. Raleigh North Carolina, it sounded like your life you pretty much live. It was like football as your religion almost. That's right. Tell me I. Mean What? What was it about that? Because a there seems to be interestingly some foreshadowing in terms of conviction and devotion and work ethic that showed up there and relentlessness. That has transferred later to July but some curious what were your aspirations back then early on I had this dream of of one day playing college football and I don't know if it was because I was so close to the NC state football team. My Dad was the team doctor for NC state and so I'm I spent so much time there and kind of just idolizing. The players and I love the sport I loved the athletic. I also always really really liked the strategy part of football. There's a as you know there's so much more going on between snaps during snaps than you necessarily can see, and so I just I loved the game and I think is an and now I look back many years later I think that. It also is probably just a reflection of my personality that I locked onto something and yes, there are things about football that I love. But but it was also the thing that I was locked on doing in the goal that I had set and so I just put everything I had into it yet. So your doctor was the teen by for my Dad yes that's your dad. Yes. What did he share any of the experiences because I know it's interesting because you know football has had an interesting reputation and a spotlight over lives really decade from. A medical standpoint I'm curious whether as you were coming up and playing at higher and higher levels, your dad being the doctor who was working a lot of football athletes whether you guys have ever had conversations about that will also my dad actually included me with him for like everything I mean I was on the sidelines with him for Football Games and I was in the locker room with him before games at halftime and after games, and so I I was very much with him throughout and but I have to say that this is like the. Nineties thousands when when we really just didn't know what we know now I mean, we thought concussions were a temporary thing. You just kind of worked through over a few days. We had no sense for for the long term impact them and says, I look back on anatomy that I mean it was almost like we we were playing this sport and we didn't know the risks and. You had aspirations beyond I. Mean Highschool was one became but also it sounds like you had aspirations for sure college. was there an inkling in your mind that said I want this to be my career or was it just Did it never sorta like get to that level? You know I the goal that I had was to play college football that was growing up that was that Was the goal it wasn't to play professionally it wasn't even certain things to do in college. It was just I want to play college football, and as you know that that kind of singular focus than change once I. got there. But really for me, it was played college football. Yeah I mean I'm really curious about what you said also that you kind of obsessed with not just the. Physical aspects of the game but the strategic aspects of it you ended up playing qb playing quarterback, and so it's almost like you're there's a huge leadership aspect to it. There's a lot of complexity and there's a requirement in that position to process vast amounts of information and a lot of complexity that's changing in real time and also not just think about it but make decisions and take action. It's something that I loved about the game was the exactly all those things integrating so much information acting on it and and something I enjoy. But I don't think I've realized just how important those sort of skills would become as I've moved on in dealt with other challenges in life so you end up actually In Georgetown Lane Football, what we actually studying there. So I planned to go when I chose to go to Georgetown one of the main reasons that I wanted to go there because they had a really strong pre med program and I wanted to do a health sciences major because I was really interested in sports medicine it was okay. This is kind of a way to to Meld my interest in medicine with interest in sports and so I was from the very beginning interested in going into medicine. But as you know everything really changed once I got there in. My interest in sports medicine really really shifted. So
Self-Made Success Requires No Permission
"Bocquet before we get started every single Monday I ask have you done your homework? Did you look at your life and simply say how's it going? The you like. Do you want to keep make sure you keep it the stuff? You don't like how you, GonNa. Change it. What are you focusing on? What's important to you? Is it working out the way you wanted to when you take just a minute to look your life just a few minutes a week actually things we've got to change and remember you can get the perfectly planner at perfectly planner dot com. It's just a little PDF will help you take control of your time and that's going on and it will allow you to learn how to really manage that when you do that all the stuff that's important comes in the focus and you start getting it done do your homework. So twenty. Twenty. It has been a year hasn't it? It really has been it's been. It's been clearly a year twenty twenty, clearly a year. and. A never ending challenge for so many people. Some so busy, they don't know what to do some some kind of board that on what your friends or are away. They're all zoom these days It's get a little bit normal in some areas and and not yet and others, but it's been never challenge for sure. It's also confirmed something to me. That having control of your mindset and some rituals to be able to do that. And understanding how you think in your world. And also having troll your actions. It's pivotal WANNA say pivotal I mean it's crucial these days it truly is crucial to understand how you think every single day and control the trajectory of your mind and your actions every single day. That's what twenty, twenty son. Now, it's always been that way. It's always like that. But when you get a crisis of year becomes more important and certainly something that keeps on going on and on and on and on. That's why we do what we do here every single day kind of keep that going for you. So the years I've worked with a lot of folks, thousands and thousands and thousands. That's what happens when you have forty seven, million downloads. Chat with a lot of people all the time and all cases show a couple of traits. But usually what happens is no matter what level of success anybody has could be great families great business whatever it doesn't really matter. At some point, they'll find themselves stuck stuck up against a wall. Feeling. Like they're stuck in neutral maybe. It, a second things are going really well, and here I am which I'm just kind of spin wheels against as well. What am I going to do? It doesn't matter really what level they're ad makes a difference. Be a college student could be a stay at home. Mom could be a corporate. CEO. Doesn't matter. At some point everybody will feel like What do we do now that happens all the time always has and it's really happened this year. So when that happens, here's two things I've always noted, and I see myself every single day as well. So I have to work on my mind said, constantly do to make sure I stay where I am and is by the way that's s an admission. That's what I do, but it's also what you should do. Day paying attention to where your mind isn't getting that right? That's talking about the say for. So usually what happens is people find themselves through no fault of their own and sometimes. Through a fault of their own usually I think it's combination. I you just living life. You just do anything and you've put yourself in a certain position wherever it happens to be, and then stuff happens. That's the no fault of your own part, right? But any case we end up at a place where everything that is familiar is no longer. Twenty twenty has done that to us. It's sort of familiar. Isn't it? It's but not it's. It's it's getting to be a little bit more these days what? What you we knew just a few months ago is not the same and certainly our confidence a lot of ways has been has been just ground down. They know they need to pivot maybe you know that to you need to shift directions the were pivot used a lot in the past six or eight months and should be. This has been truly unprecedented, and if you don't think differently and rick that, you do have to make a change during times like this, you can feel frozen you can feel stuck. That's where I find people right off the bat and maybe you're there right now but it's okay because. Everybody's there and all you really have to recognize. Okay here. I, am cool. Now what and it's scary sometimes isn't it like I know need to do this I know it's good for me if I do about, I just want to do it. I'm scared. Oh No, I get it. Everybody's like that don't worry about it. Okay. See what happens is a lot of folks don't know what to do and I've often been a big fan of this I don't really wait to to know what to do. I'd like to know what to do but I understand the path looks dark. It looks kind of scary sometimes when we never been there before and we don't knows what do we do? Well, we don't take a step we're stuck. So. I've just learned that well, it cave I don't know what to do. Then we have to find a little itty bitty steps to take just something and usually it's just not set a bit of an epiphany. It's just a mindset shift that okay. Okay. If I just pay that and looking at things through a different Lens, maybe if I think a little differently, maybe if I look around me, I could find a way. And I promise you will. Just a little step that's all it takes. And you get moving. But, along the way, you have to give yourself permission to do it permission to get started even if its. Whilst from you or anybody else if you're waiting for anybody to give you permission to pivot and make a change if you're waiting, you're not, you're not what I would call a self made person I want you to be a self made person. It's more than ever right now. Now that doesn't mean go be a self a millionaire anything like that. Right see self made people are like this they just decide they're kind of impatient they're sitting around I'm I'm that way. I'm a creator I am I will sit around and a lot of folks I'll wait and see and be patient, and then one day I said that's it. I'm done. So I've taught myself that as soon as I'm ready to go as soon as I have an idea I, say if it's if it's GonNa be it's up to me right? You've heard that before I'm GonNa make it happen. So self made people do that. So wherever you are right now, no matter what twenty twenty is thrown at you. If you WANNA really thrive in this crazy year that we have going, you have to start thinking that way get impatient get a get upset in a good way. Let's keep that. We keep it positive or okay just decide heck that's it darn it on going forward. Self, made people do that you decide what you want. And you decide you're not waiting for anybody tell you what you can have. I understand. Sometimes. That's a little scary when we don't quite know what's going on or where we are. But at every part of your life, if you begin to think yourself like that self made, here's what happens you Kinda if you had leash on you at all. Somebody Click a harness on. You is holding you back. Maybe you clip that harness on and you're holding yourself back if you'll just wrap your head around the fact that you know what? It's up to me. I'M NOT GONNA wait for anybody to make my world I'M GONNA. Make my world for me and it starts right now make those changes and go.
One Priceless Lesson We Often Forget About Love and Life
"One priceless lesson we often forget about love and life by Mark Chernoff mark and Angel Dot Com. Everything, we need. Jose's wife Maria was born in a one bedroom stand alone home on the outskirts of Playa del Carmen Mexico. was a fine little home, but her father Oscar wanted a real house. So he worked two jobs a sixty hour week factory job, and then another twenty hours or so a week as carpenter. Oscar say fifty percent of his income for over a decade to build his family of four bedroom house like the ones in the better parts of town he put half his family savings and a low community bank and he talked the other half away in a safe he kept hidden on their property. On the morning Oscar plan to break ground on his family's new house, the local community bank shuttered stores just hours after law enforcement declared the bank was running an illegal and uninsured Ponzi scheme ninety percent of the deposits Oscar made were lost. Then the very next day. The little home was robbed at gun point in exchange for his family's safety Oscar for the rest of the money he had hidden in safe. In the short window of thirty six hours, the family lost a vast majority of their savings from years of hard work the night for the first time as Mother Olga watched Oscar cry. She approached Oscar with their infant daughter cradled and rocking in her arms and said, it's just money minister just a house. We've so much more than that. We have a truly loving home. Oscar looked at Olga, dried his eyes and nodded his head in agreement. He spent the rest of the night with his baby daughter holding her tight to his chest reminding himself that he might not be able to give his family, the house he dreamed of, but he can continue to give them a truly loving home. And for the nine years that followed Maria grew up in that small loving one bedroom home. After the first year, a sister Andrea joined her after the third year brother Roberto showing to the memories share of that time are truly heartwarming for example, everyday. Of Maria Early Grade School years she remembers her father coming home from work just before dinner giving her and her siblings, individual hugs and kisses, and then asking them to questions. More you loved. Do you have love in your heart? All three shoulder would nod their head smiling then he'd gather them all up in a big group. Hug and call out Metoo we are blessed. We have everything we need. With that house. Even. Though Oscar sincerely believed what he said to his children. He was still pursuing his dream of building a larger and more comfortable house for his family and nine years after losing all of their savings Oscar. Once again, saved enough money to begin building that new house twenty feet behind their little one bedroom home he started with framing out the foundation of the kitchen them Ria's mother had always quietly dreamed of. One Cement Block at a time paycheck by paycheck. Slowly, but steadily built a house he'd come. So close to building nearly a decade beforehand I a kitchen, a large family room and two bathrooms than a master bedroom bedrooms for each of the children and a nice covered front patio. In two thousand, two, win Jose Maria and start falling in love with her Oscar was still building that house. Soon. Thereafter, he put the last few finishing touches on it. The, entire family celebrated for weeks on end and Nowadays Oscar Olga still celebrate holidays and special occasions at the House with all three of their children and their children's families several times a year. But, the stories prizes lesson has nothing to do with that house. Just, a bonus the first day Jose met Marie his family. He noticed how sincerely loving and happy the whole family was. He praised Oscar for the beautiful family. He had asked him what the secret was. Oscar. Spent hours sharing interesting heartfelt stories about why his family was the luckiest one in the world. Never, shared all the details about how their house was built. In fact, after years of knowing Maria and her family traveling with them and even living with them for a short time, no one ever thought to tell Jose about how their family's house came to be. They ask questions about the construction few occasions and he received replies about the construction it until after Jose Maria got married and close on their own first house in Miami. Florida that Oscar took Jose for a long walk. He s does a about the details and Jose excitedly shared information about their new neighborhood in the House Oscar listened intently smiled and then finally he shared the story you've just heard. My daughter does not need a house Oscar concluded she needs a truly loving home and when you fill that home with children, your children will need exactly the same. If you that no matter how big or small your actual houses, your children will WanNa come home to you. The rest is just bonus. I know all of this because Jose ms one of my best friends and just this morning over coffee. He asked me where I was going to write about today. When I told him I hadn't yet decided. He smirked said Mama story for you, and then he proceeded to tell me the story I just told you.
How to Develop Any Skill and Excel at It by Nick Velasquez
"An excerpt from the book, learn improve master, how develop any skill and excel at it by of Alaska's. Have you ever watched a talented guitarist perform or a star chef cook an incredible meal and think to yourself I'd like to do that. Were drawn to learn a new skill but most of the time our motivation stems from seeing the work or performance of those who are great at it. We see their abilities and action and fantasize about how good it would feel to be the ones doing it. We are only looking at a part of the picture, the performance and not the years of study practice and effort behind it. Taking the time to get the full picture and explorer skill before diving in benefits us in four ways, the gives us a reality check houses t construct the craft primes the mind to learn and leads to better questions all of which help us determine if we want to devote our time energy to the skill. Each of these benefits can help us decide if we want to commit to learning a new skill or for content to simply in Meyer, the work of the masters. Benefit number one gives us a reality check. Many, people take the guitar drums or other instruments with the dream of playing live in front of a cheering audience. But the path to that goal is usually through thousands of hours of solo practice followed by more hours, composing refining and rehearsing songs playing live usually accounts for a fraction of was involved in play an instrument by not looking deeper we miss what's behind the performances, the endless hours of practice, a years of study, the discipline, the sacrifices, and in some skills, the physical toll on the body. Taking the time to explore the work behind the show serves as a reality check and forces us to ask is this what I really want to do. This reality check can be motivating as we may realize are chosen. Craft is not what we're looking for or that we don't want to do the practice it requires but knowing what the skills about how it's practiced and work and take us can also make it more appealing. The point is we need to explore it to find out. Benefit number to help us deconstruct the skill. Exploration is also way to discover the different parts that make up the craft. There are these sub skills, techniques and principles that comprise it learning to play the guitar. For example, involves Music Theory Scales Chords Picking Technique and left-hander finger dexterity among other things and those parts have sub parts. Intern scales are divided into major or minor pentatonic, and so on me to deconstruct chosen skill and become familiar with the different elements involved doing. So will help us develop a better plan for which wants to focus on in what order and how to approach them. There's a lot to learn in a craft, and if we don't break it down and focus on what matters most given, moment will drown in its magnitude. Benefit number three prime the mind to learn. Exploration Brings Perspective context and purpose to the day to day learning and practice the grind and how they fit into the overall craft. When we see the big picture is easier to stay motivated and internalized smaller pieces and sub skills. Take Rock, climbing, for instance, rope work in tying knots in important part of the sport. If we start learning those pars without knowing their role, the information remains abstract and hard to memorize more even boring. Is when we understand their use and how they fit into rock climbing when we see the context and purpose around them that we become engaged primer mind to learn them. Benefit number four leads to better questions. Lastly, exploration allows us to ask better more specific questions about the skill because we know what to ask about, and we are delving into writing and ask how do we become a good writer. We'll get the answer, right a lot and read a lot. That's good advice, but it's also vague and it is so because the question is vague if we ask instead how to energize a piece of writing, we'll get something like speed up the pace by shorting sentences using frequent paragraph ING and cutting most adverbs adjectives. That's the power of asking better questions. We get specific answers tailored toward goals and circumstances, but we can't ask them if we don't build basic knowledge I, that's where exploration comes then. With, an overview of our chosen craft will develop enough understanding to ask those questions and get better answers. Map out the path to success. When pursuing a new skill is a simple fact that we won't succeed if we aren't willing to put in the work to improve as benefits show exploring skill before making a commitment to it is an effective way to gauge interest motivation and ability to pursue the skill to our greatest ability.
An Excerpt from the book Flirting with Darkness by Ben Courson
"An excerpt from the book flirting with darkness. Ben. Carson. Weapon number three, the magic number of greatness. I got to a point in my struggle with depression where something needed needed to change must suffering. So badly, I finally decided to do something about it. The ten thousand hour rule saved my life. His Book Outliers Malcolm Glad well demonstrated that to be truly greeted anything. You have to put in ten thousand hours of practice. People such as world chess champion Bobby. Fischer businessman Bill Joy, and IBM founder Bill Gates are among the many examples. Glad. While gives of people who excelled because they accelerated they focused and worked hard and gave at least ten thousand hours to becoming the best at what they did. Glad will show that whether you want to be a fiction writer or master criminal. Hockey player or a pianist ten thousand hours was the magic number of greatness. Bent my mind to that goal is a writer Manspeaker. A resolved to stop wasting my energies, processing psychological trauma and to go on a diametrically opposed direction. Instead of disappearing over why dreams weren't coming to pass, I decided to commit myself to working my fingers to the bone to ensure they did. Psychologists, John Hayes quote looked at how long it took the best composers of all time to create their first grey work. He found that nobody including Mozarts was a child prodigy had produced a piece of work of any significance until about ten years after they had I, taken music no amount of innate talent even in a field of genius such as music could overcome the years of practice necessary to Korea work someone may be talented. They may be lucky but they still have to go through ten years of practice in order to become a master and quote. When Churchill came to power during World War Two he said this as he was being inaugurated into office as prime. Minister quote. I. Offer you nothing save blood, toil tears, and sweat and quo. Lecture Chill Ready to go to battle anew, the path will be difficult PROC- ready to claim own finest hour. Getting better stars, which is getting off your tuition in doing something. So I did. My goal was to become a writer and a speaker put in the needed hours. My nearly worked myself to death, but it was infinitely better than brooding found the effort. Cathartic in fulfilling my spirit's began to lift. I figured I had two options number one either get discouraged that my dreams were not coming pass or number to spend the effort of getting prepared for when they did. Legendary preacher Charles spurgeon advised students to stop worrying about when they would get their shot at speaking and concentrate instead on their ability, and they'll let God take the opportunity in other words quit fretting over the how and focus on the what I took these words to heart and focused on my skill set as I improved my craft, our English word amateur comes from a French Italian an line route which means to love an obvious works when he loves the process and it feels good a professional is someone who worked seven days a week whether he feels like it or not. Today. My TV show hope generation is on twenty different networks more than one hundred and eighty countries and radio shows heard on more than four hundred stations daily. I get to speak in stadiums and arenas. My quote unquote overnight success came through hours of hard work. How you'll spend your ten thousand hours may be different from how I spend mind but you'll find as I did a clear focus and a way of getting off the existential treadmill of despair, transform your life but the age of twenty one, the average American has put ten thousand hours of practice into computer and video games when I use those hours for something more productive. How hard you hustle in the darkness determines how brightly you shine in the spotlight. To prepare for speaking to people I got really good at lecturing my furniture. My chairs were my captive audience I remember that Billy Graham. One said he got his start by preaching to alligators before he preached in stadiums. You have to start with a small stuff and work your way up. So I took every opportunity that presented itself. I spoke to classes of little kids and homeless shelters at old folks, homes, and to student clubs I volunteered to take the opportunities. Others turned down, I got lots of practice. When other speakers turned an organization or church down my said, yes I did this I several years Only the small minded person will refuse the small task for me if I had an audience of four people those enough to get some more practice to put in some more hours toward my ten thousand our goal. Jesus said that if you're faithful and a few small things, you'll be given responsibility over bigger ones Matthew Twenty five that sound good to me. Yes sometimes I did feel like surface the tragic here of Greek mythology who had to roll a boulder of a hill only to see roll back down then roll it back up again only for it to roll back down again repeatedly, I'll stubborn in my pursuit it was a great weapon against despair to keep working in spite of how I felt, which puts me in the mind of a scene from Tolkien's the Lord of the Rings in the First Book of that trilogy the Fellowship of the Ring, a band of warriors is commission travel to the ends of the Earth to destroy the evil ring of power by casting it into mount doom. During their long journey. Gandalf who was their leader was thought to be killed in the minds of Maurya in response airborne stepped up to lead the band in his stead amid his grief and despair he cried out farewell Gandalf what hope have we with you then he turned to the fellowship and said, we must do without hope let us gird ourselves and weep no more come. We have a long road. Like that trek to mount doom healing is usually a long journey. We normally don't start feeling better overnight sometimes, we must go on when we feel absolutely no hope. Our quest leads down a winding path and his sometimes fraught with trolls and Goblins and all manner of Dr Treasures. But psychological heroism is possible in such journey is were taking like Eric Gordon Frodo my set my foot upon my own path out of depression I gave them my flirtation with darkness and began to tread the road toward a grand purpose and it worked after many many years. The Dreams I had begun to despair finally came true new ones came into sight, but it all began by putting one foot in front of the other. If you allow yourself to just sit around and partly catatonic state stuffing yourself with junk food is a form of therapy and watching callous hours of television. You'll probably never start feeling better. But I. Tell You that you get off the couch and venture into the world to do something toward your goals. Things will start to change in your heart and mind if you pull yourself out of bed and get going on your dreams, that's how you'll will begin the journey to healing your broken spirit.
Making Peace with Your Family
"Their feud has been brewing since childhood last year during a family trip things got so bad. They came to actual blows. Their father had to pull them apart bobby and robin our sisters but they barely speak Robin says the sound of bobbies voice makes her sick Nicole they're younger sister Peter. Their little brothers say enough is enough the Cole Road to us in hopes that we could help bring her sisters back together. Father Peter. Senior is also here. If, you have conflicts within your family and let me just say who doesn't this show. We'll give you a whole new way to deal with them. It could save you years and years of pain Mark Brian says, he wrote this book codes of Love How to rethink your family and remake your life because he used to hate his own family he stayed away from them for over ten years throughout the show mark is going to be telling us how he changed all that and how you can too. So we're not here just to have because you know you can watch one of those other shows where people, chairs and Viewed as they bring out surprise family members, you haven't seen in a long time. That's not what we're GONNA. Do we're here to try to resolve it and for the millions of you who are also separated from your family to try to bring back some sense of coat of love that you once had memories of that earlier this week mark heard both sides of this family feud starting with Bobby Nicole and Peter. At Different Times Robin has stopped speaking to each of us that she has low self esteem and. She whenever argument comes up she says to me that I I think I'm better than everybody else and that I'm a goody goody and. And this type of staff. Which of course, upsets me last week I went for lunch with Robin and a few of our cousins, the bridesmaids kind of thing for Robin's wedding to discuss things and I just felt that bobby should have been involved with that. That would have been you know more of A. Total package I'm to the point now where it's like okay. You. Go ahead and behave that way. Not. Going to let it bug me. I have tried to contact her and she has my number blocked. She has your number blocked live in the country can't do that on my phone. So I don't have a number of locked and I have an answering machine and I've never had any messages about. Mark spent time with Robin to hear her version. I've always felt like the black sheep. Always felt like. Fingers always point to that me. I always felt like troublemaker. I've been accused of being over emotional. I've been accused of being. sleazy. have been accused of being slutty. I've been accused of. Basically, everything out there. in particular with my sister Bobby. I. I. Always felt compared to her. I always felt like I had to live up to. My parents, expectations. Of the expectations that she set? What are the three happiest moments of your life. They don't include family. Or? My parents were there when my daughter was born. Thought was one of the happiest moments midlife. My Dad was there when I graduated I. Guess that was another happy moment. The, day I moved out with the happiest moment of my life. And I honestly, truly with all my heart believe that was the best thing ever did because I've come so far sets. If you could go back in time, what would you change? I would I would change. I would put myself with the different family. But you can't do that down. So mark says there four basic steps to help you refrain reconnect with your family and they are I remember what are the good things? So many times in today's psychology we're looking at the bad things. My parents do that messed me up I, WanNa look back at what's the pleasant things were the strengths and the and the love and the loyalty that I've been given for these two, five fifty how old we are those years? The second one is we want to reflect on that. We want to see what's my part in this dynamic in my family when am I at fault and also I don't want to end the blame and the labeling you know. She's the black sheep she's the she's the goody two shoes she's been labeled to by other members of her family is the goody two shoes we want to be out of those labels. So we want to reflect on that what are part is and what's the larger picture of our family? labeled. Early, you just sort of follow that pattern absolutely. Yes. Yes. I have never told Robin she slutty. I've never used those words that she used on her. I'm always careful I don't offend with what I say and ever since we're very young, robin has done things on purpose. she just says whatever she wants whether it hurts your feelings or not. So the slutty thing but those terms that you're using those are not terms that she used or is that what you think she thinks of you. Okay. It might have been another family member but everybody was sitting there and it was them against me and that's how it was portrayed. But. Then again, sitting up here, acting like she's a goody two shoes I wouldn't be here if we didn't have problems. You know who? Didn't cause all my family's problems. We're not here just because of me and you know what? I don't even think there's a lot of family problems here beyond some role definition and the next thing we're going to do is we're going to take a look and refrain these experiences from this. New Perspective. Where we learned where each of us is trying to show concern, but it's being misconstrued as criticism or. As control.
Busting Through Limiting Beliefs
"So I got an email today which was kind of cool I get a lot of emails some questions somewhere. Thank you somewhere just hey, and some are like, Whoa, my mind was blown. Hannah thought handed. Epiphany. And that's what happened today now, not going to share the exact email or who even sent this email ball say this. Every single day. My quest is to help you stand up, take a step and repeat get the life of your dreams. Whatever that is you get to decide. You truly get to decide what you WANNA. Do I just believe that my job is show up and drag you get there okay. Sometimes people acquainted with be trying to design lifestyle for you're not trying to do that. Tim Ferriss and lifestyle designed guy believe this you wake up in the morning you go through your entire day I just think you should be the way you wanted to be. You should feel the way you should feel you should be able to do the things you want to do, and with a little bit of conscious adjustment, you can get there. As long as we can break you out of the autopilot thing, a lot of people get stuck in. So when I got an email that says, Scott I never quite understood the lifestyle thing I use to think like you I don't WanNa Packers I. Don't WanNa farm like you have. But that's not is it. It's not she said, I've been working this corporate job getting new job I keep going up to the top and the top. The top things are getting better and better and better, and I'm not happy. It takes my weekends. It takes up my nights. It's cool but it's not think I finally. Got It. was. So cool to see that to say but I smile and get all happy when I see stuff like that. Wow, they broke through call. Whatever you doing today? Whatever's holding you back. I want you to remember that's really the only mission I just think you should get out of bed. And you should have life that makes you happy in the things you do every single day how you work you live we'll you know what you do all that stuff and when you go to bed at night, you're like, wow, it's a good day I'm tired and worn out but you know let's let's do it again. That's what I go for here. If you can do that and I think you're GonNa have a happy life. But sometimes it's limiting beliefs. That crash you isn't it. So I work with a lot of people all the time but limiting beliefs have you ever felt like something's holding you back. You probably have them. Now you've heard a lot of talk about this I think Tony Robbins and some of those guys years and years ago was kind of NLP concept right and I certainly live and breathe in that world. But I don't talk about it all the time. But what are they by the way? But Elihu believe is just something that you have installed into yourself. You born with it you're not born thinking a certain way. You got out and lived. You had experiences. You met people you made decisions, and however that decision affected you at the time it made an impact on you and you lodge it in your brain. You have a belief a lot of times. What happens is when you can't move forward it's because maybe you've had some experiences in the past before that if taught you, you can't do it. I'm not good enough. I never get to do what I WANNA do. It never works out for me stuff like that. Okay. Happens all the time. So I'm working with clients I always go here because nine times out of ten when a client gets on the phone with me, they're gonNa have a limiting belief. How do I know that because ten times out of ten I have one. So I know they do in just a matter of breaking through and figuring out what's going on. So, when I, was this, I always seek to identify it. So I listen very closely. My ears are in full full full active mode. I hear something that POPs up like a block ago that was interesting and I. Identify. Did you hear it said? Did you did you hear that? Now I can help do that but unique, you can do it yourself to it's harder though you have to give yourself some time. We're so busy with our phones and everything else going on in this world. It's so busy right now it's Kinda hard to catch set to catch that action. It's easier to feel like Oh my God why is on the world not working out for me and not even know that you're thinking that way so the first thing is to catch that thought. To pause a little bit and to identify what you're feeling again. That's what I do clients say hey, wait till. You hear what you just said. And I'll say something like this next. What do you mean by that? What I'm doing is a began test process. I'm beginning to see that if they have a feeling attached to it I mean, what do they actually feel about it and why is it making them feel certain way and lots of times they don't even know it's been lodge in there. So long ago ohno civil explored what he really feel about it is it real? Is it automatic? What is it? Is it necessary if you enjoy your life or do you need to keep it, you want to get rid of it. What is that? So first thing is I'm just identified a capture at I say well, look there it is secondly. Essentially saying what's up? I'm testing it. I'm just trying to see what what's really going on there and honestly about nine and a half times out of ten people say I don't really know. Something's hold you back. You don't even know what it is. Yeah and that's exactly what happens. So then what do I do? Well, once I've Kinda tested a little bit to find out what's going on there that I want to validate it because when I test when ask somebody so what are you thinking? What did you say that for what's going on here? They start talking about they kind of randomly go off. All come back and so so what you're saying is that serves a good part of your life or what you're seeing is you don't really mean that you don't need that. The you're seeing is that's not what's holding you back. Your back just begin to validate and here's what happens usually ten times eleven times out of ten. When I identify it. When I test it, and then when I make them validated as simply what I'm saying is this. Does it serve you or does not serve you. Is it real or is a real. And if they defend it. It's probably real. NOPE that I feel that way for a reason that's who I am. It's part of my my character, my personality that's my value I have that before reason. So it's not really limiting. Is it? It's kind of guide isn't it? Yeah A S- lots of times I will validate it and they can't defend it. So, what are you living on that belief or if you can't defend it? I don't know. All right. Let's do something else. And usually they'll say. What would that be? And of course that highly paid position I mean right now i. I usually say something like. I duNNo. What would it be? I know you don't know what if you did what would it be?
4 Ways to Live Each Day With Intention by Shelley Levitt
"For ways to live each day with intention by. Shelley. Levitt with live. Happy Dot. com. I WANNA move through life energy and a sense of discovery achievement, joy and engagement. That is my intention. My hope is that living according to it would be the antidote. The uneasy feeling I often have at the end of the day when I flop into bed filled with self-reproach and wonder where my time went. My. Intent is to be guided by purpose instead of feeling that I'm spending my time haphazardly succumbing to whim or distraction according to expert Mallika Chopra creator of the website intense dot com and psychologist Eliot. Berkman. Head of the social ineffective neuroscience lab at the University of Oregon setting intentions. Confession is a kind of internal northstar lighting, the path to greater fulfillment and life satisfaction. These are the changes I've made in the few weeks since setting my intention. Number One, I meditate almost daily. Is taking me years to commit to a meditation habits but the ten or fifteen minutes I spent doing a guided meditation on the common APP has been transformative. The turning point was a workshop I took with so Kessedjian Norman Fisher, a poet and Zen Buddhist priest. When people say they don't have time to meditate. He said I asked them how do you have time to not meditate with a regular mindfulness practice he went on you'll have fewer accidents you lose things less frequently your focus will improve making decisions will become easier. Remarkably found all these things to be true and when I'm feeling stressed I summoned the image I visualized during my meditation I imagine my breath as a long string of pearls and it helps reconnect with that experience of stillness yet as good as meditation makes me feel I'll skip it unless I keep to a schedule. So make sure to meditate daily at eleven am with four PM has a backup. Number two, I've stopped binging on the news. More than ever I. Feel it's important to stay informed but watching new show afternoons show wasn't bringing greater insight into the issues. I care about is only fueling a sense of outrage and I'm happy to have added The Washington Post, my beloved New, York Times subscription reading either one in bed was only deepening my chronic insomnia. So of made some rules, no new shows or Newspapers after nine. PM. Instead I think about how? I WanNa feel inspired amused transported and lanes and I choose what I want to read watch listen to based on that this has led to fewer hours with CNN and more with globe netflix's comedy about a real life women's wrestling league from the eighties the on being with Krista Tippett podcast and Elena Ferrante as beautiful Neapolitan novels. Number three, I cook more. I'd like to lose five or ten pounds, but resolving to lose weight is usually both joyless an unsuccessful. So instead I think about nourishing myself in ways that will align with my intention to feel more energize. And that helps to your me away from takeout Chinese food and into my kitchen when I cook pots of Faro. Embrace Swiss chard practice poaching the perfect tag and dig into cookbooks like Paulo I of food of Morocco and what to eat for how you feel the new all your data kitchen by divvy alter. And try new dishes like Paulo's egg plans a luke or devious sprouted among solid also experienced that sense of discovery and achievement that I'm looking for. Number four, I do at least one new thing each weekend. I've been having all sorts of new experiences, a meeting interesting people volunteering to do kitchen prep at a food pantry hiking trail taking a class in brewing booja walking the Los Angeles River in a meet up led by long distance, swimming champion Diane, and yet attending a talk by no Levine author of Dharma police at the inaugural Budapest in La. Some outings have turned out to be less than inspired. The less said about the mass meditation held at a conscious life expo the better but I always feel like falling through on my intention to step outside my comfort zone. I'm far from living completely in line with my intentions. Three countless ways I stray from the path but feeling courage rather than defeated I've more clarity about the way in which small things Afar too messy desk and unmade bed can undermine your vision of how you want your life to unfold and I think it'll be able to put some new habits in place soon.
Let It All Crash Down by Briana Harry
"Let it all crush down by Brianna Harry of Ye Mash Dot Com. When I first started practicing tarit and went into it with a ton of false information maybe not a ton. Just one big idea that I thought would apply to all of the cards. They're all literal meaning. If I ever pull a death card I might as well start going through my funeral arrangements think beyond say in Carmen the hip hop era. Thankfully came to find that. This was far from the case that all the cards have more of a metaphorical tie that you can apply to your real life not to say that there aren't any literal elements at all, but it's less likely I thought. Over the years that's come to be one of my favorite things about practicing tarit. How closely mirrors real life tariff for me is just a tool in eating where my intuition is already doing the work. These things come naturally to us. The trick is learning to listen and apply some people think that listening to your intuition means one hundred percent clarity anytime you have a question. No your intuition still requires that you live that you feel your way through it. So it's not always that simple. Is the same tarit. You pull a card, die cars elements to it that could apply to you and you have to take it from there. You find the connection and decide what to do with it. Remember this is what I learned over time at first I did have my share of cars at really scared me to pull death of course, the devil and the ever destructive tower I read about the tower when I read my first book on Tarit. The first book I picked up with someone's personal rendition of their experience with it with that in mind I should have taken it with a grain of salt. She described the tower card as what it certainly is a card that represents rebuilding but in order to rebuild something has to be destroyed while there is a positive element in the idea of rebuilding destroying part really had me shook especially when she spoke on how it connected to her when she first bold it, she described a lot of our worst fears losing jobs and homes and irreparable damage to personal relationships, and she described it as almost a domino effect like she pulled the card and next thing she knew her life began to crumble. I wanted to avoid the tower after all I love my life, my job, my friends my didn't have any romantic relationships but had started growing more hopeful than I ever had been in that area. So for a couple of years, even as I grew to understand how to interpret the cars for myself, I always held a little resistance to ever seen that card. And I didn't for a long while. And then I did my twenty twenty year at a glance spread on New Year's Day. Now, if you've been awake for the bulk of this year, you've probably made the connection already what a show. Why, I can see how that was a projection for the year at large for all of us, it definitely predicted some personal destructing to being furloughed from my job being the biggest thing, but also pulled a card and additional time when asking about the essence of my romantic relationships in twenty twenty. So yeah, that happened. It's funny because I remember thinking the universe for the heads up in declaring that I'll setting myself on a path that wind Crete that destruction that I was told about that is I came to find was not in my control as much as I shifted my mindset and played the part that I always played to be positively present and attract all the good things. This was a lesson I was meant to learn. So everything fell apart I was furloughed for my job of nine years and I really created some issues not only financially but internally madder reckon with WHO I might be without his shop that I've had all of my adult life. I'd also met a guy and he was pretty amazing for the first time in nearly a decade I found myself really being open to being in a real relationship. I began to do the personal work that I didn't even know that I needed in order grow myself as a partner and that was hard. He was uncomfortable being vulnerable but ultimately, I, was glad I had it in me to do most feeling really awful. Then he told me it wasn't going to work out and my was crushed another layer crumbled. This is what the Tower was talking about bombs in the foundation of things that I'd built the comfort I felt at my job, the whales growing into Romantics. All just blew up right before my eyes I felt like I was laying in the rubble nothing of what I built seem to exist anymore and I i. I just sank into these feelings feeling hopeless and lost and like done so much for nothing. In this space in real life, even with all my practice I wasn't thinking about Tarit I wasn't thinking about the tower. So I had to find it in me to remember what has to come next intuitively. So I pick myself up and started to build wants destroyed. All things can be rebuilt they can be rebuilt to be better stronger. I found the space to be more creative without my job. I've been doing things that always existed in my mind but I never thought I'd have time or energy to do I've been growing my personal business never been so proud. As for the Romantics while it's Bare I've learned to not consider it avoid but a place waiting to be filled with possibility it gets lonely but I've never been this optimistic about love of learned so much gain some experience and I feel really good about what's to come.
Intention, Action and Result
"So it's pretty easy to think about our goal setting processes are planning processes. In terms of what we want. As a result and. We can back our way into what kinds of actions could we take or what kinds of kind of. Proof. Would we need to have that that result has been met? And once again, this is kind of the basis of the okay are planning process. But that's not all there is to this discussion. How do we evaluate our actions? When we are actually living out that future and we were trying to plan for. So meticulously, how can we evaluate in an ongoing basis? The actions that we're taking, we can break these down. Okay. Break our actions down because our actions are not as simple as just doing something. There's three parts that I wanNA talk about of course, this is just one model of thinking about action. The these three parts of reasonable. The first is the actual activity. This is the whatever the physical thing is that you're doing. the. The movements, they her making right the the real thing that you're doing in the world. That's the action. But before that is the intention. What is the intention of that action? And this is much more complicated than it might seem. Because you may have a stated intention. Or you may have an unstated intention. Or you might have some kind of chained intentions. you can ask yourself why is it that I am getting up? So early in the morning against my you know better hopes for comfort and laying in bed longer why am I waking up early and putting my tennis shoes on and going out for a run? Why would I subject myself to that kind of pain? Well. I because I want to be healthy. Right, that's that's what I wanted to do. Why do I want to be healthy because being healthy provides me with Potentially, a a higher quality life in other areas maybe you know more longevity more healthy years where I'm not dealing with any disease and so running is going to hopefully provide me with those things. But it's possible that you start. With your stated intention of. I want to run this morning to meet my goal of running every day. And these are two different concepts. One is an intention that is directly met by some measurable thing in the other one is an intention that is. A more abstract idea. If you meet your. You know weekly goal or whatever it is of running what happens then? Well it contributes to your health, right it contributes to better health, and so you can think about all of these things in terms of layers of abstraction on on your intentions. And the thing that a lot of people miss about this is that actions do not always follow. Perfectly. Your. Best intentions. Conventional Wisdom tells us that our best laid plans often go out the window at the first sign of anything that goes wrong. and. So if our plans our intentions are. not necessarily going to be followed by action than the intentions end up being. Essentially irrelevant. But even if we do take action based on our intentions. They can still become irrelevant because there's a third part and that's what comes after the action. Our intention may be clear and our action may be clear. We may believe that are particular action is going to carry us towards our intention. But then For one reason or another, it doesn't. The result is the third part. Seems really obvious the action. is in the middle sandwiched in the middle of the intention and the result. So it's possible that Gore intention is to become healthier and so you run every morning and unfortunately the unexpected results. Is that because you ran, you know too much or maybe you ran too often early. You, took on more. Stress Than your body could hindle, you injure yourself and thus you'll meet your goal rain It's kind of going the opposite direction in fact of what your intention was a here's the really important lesson I want you to take away from this episode. We, need to recognize. That what we care about the most. Is the through line. Of these three things. We care more about the intention being followed all the way through. To the result. Whatever the action is in the middle. Is only relevant. If, it carries us from intention to result. Of course, this is a model of thinking. There are certain types of actions that have multiple benefits beyond just trying to mechanistically achieve a particular. Right. There are certainly extraneous reasons why you might choose one action over another this model. Is Not, necessarily about and of that meditative process of just allowing yourself to. Be In that moment of the action and instead being focused on the through line of your intention to the result. But it still provides a framework for thinking around what actions might be valuable if my goal. If my goal is alternately the intention I have set out to accomplish,
7 Steps to Developing a New Habit by Brian Tracy
"Seven steps to developing a new habit by Brian. Tracy. Brian Tracy. Dot Com. How long does it take to develop a new habit? Does period can be any length from a single second to several years? The speed of new habit pattern development is largely determined by the intensity of the emotion that accompanies the decision to begin acting in a particular way. Many people think talk about and resolve to lose weight and become physically fit. This may go on for years. Then one day the doctor says that if you don't get your way down, improve your physical condition, you're in danger of dying at an early age. Suddenly. The thought of dying can be so intense or frightening that the individual immediately changes. His Diet begins exercising stop smoking and becomes a healthy and fit person psychologists refer to this as a significant emotional experience any experience of intense or pain combined with the behavior king create habitual behavior pattern. They may endure for the rest of a person's life, for example, putting your hand on a hot stove or touching a live electrical wire Mogi, van intense, and immediate pain or shock. The experience may only take split-second over the rest of your life. You will have developed the habit of not putting your hand on hot stove or touching live electrical wires. The habit live been formed instantly and endure permanently. How long does it take to form a habit? According to the experts, it takes about twenty one days to break or form a habit pattern of medium complexity habits which are more complex difficult to incorporate with your lifestyle may take longer. Twenty one days to break habit or make a habit. Three weeks may not sound like a very long time, but you can create powerful habits within twenty one days. By this, we mean simple habits such as getting up earlier to specific our exercising each morning before you start out listening to podcasts in your car going to bed at a certain hour being punctual for appointments planning every day in advance starting with your most important tasks, each day or completing tasks. Before you start something else these are habits of medium complexity that can be quite easily developed in fourteen twenty one days through practice and repetition. How to develop a habit Over the years a simple powerful proven methodology has been determined for new habit development is very much like a recipe for preparing addition the kitchen, you can use it to develop any habit that you desire over time you'll find it easier and easier to develop habits that you want to incorporate into your personality. Number one make a decision. I make a decision decide clearly that you are going to begin acting in a specific way one, hundred percent of the time whenever that behavior is required. For example, if you decide to rise early and exercise each morning, say your clock for a specific time and when the alarm goes off, immediately get up, put on your exercise clothes and begin your exercise session. Number to never allow an exception to your new habit. Second never allow an exception to your new habit pattern during the formative stages. Don't make excuses or rationalizations don't let yourself off the hook if resolved to get up at six, am each morning discipline yourself to get up at six. Am every single morning until just becomes automatic. Number three tell others your practicing a new behavior. Third, tell others that you're going to begin practicing a particular behavior. It is amazing how much more disciplined and determine you will become when you know that others are watching you to see if you have the willpower to follow through on your resolution. Number four visualize your new habit. Fourth, visualize yourself performing or behaving in a particular way in a particular situation the more often you visualize and imagine yourself acting as if you already had the new habit, the more rapidly this new behavior will be accepted by your subconscious mind and become automatic. Number five creed an affirmation. Fifth Creed and affirmation that you repeat over and over to yourself this repetition dramatically increases the speed at which you developed new habit. For example, you can say something like I get up and get going immediately at six. AM each morning repeat these words to lasting before you fall asleep. In most cases, you will automatically wake up minutes before the alarm clock goes off and soon you'll need no alarm clock at all. Number six resolved to persist. Sixth resolved to persist in new behavior until it is so automatic and easy. The actually feel uncomfortable when you do not do what you have decided to do. A number seven reward yourself. Seven than most important. Give yourself a reward of some kind for practicing in the new behavior each time you reward yourself, you reaffirm and reinforce the behavior. Soon, he began to associate at an unconscious level the pleasure of the reward with the behavior you set up your own force field of positive consequences that you unconsciously look forward to as a result of engaging the behavior or habit that you have decided upon.
Dr. Yusef Salaam And Ibi Zoboi On Punching the Air
"So you both met originally, it was ninety nine. There is a class at Hunter College were you were both attending and I wanna talk about that moment and what what came out of it because I know there was a conversation that began that took you on a walk from sixty eighth straight up to Harlem which for those who are not familiar with New York City is not a walk that's often done. And then it kind of vanished into the background for a number of years before it led to this recent collaboration let's let's sort of put a hold on that for the moment because I'm also curious. So the the decade or so leading up to that meeting and ninety nine was profoundly different experiences of life for each of you. and. I want to talk about that a little bit and then what kind of work away back to that meeting and then fell from there. Why don't we actually start with? Agree with you. I know originally born in Haiti raised in Bushwick in Brooklyn, at a time where for those who know Bushwick these days a lot of times people associated with gentrification a Lotta hipsters amazing street art, and are quote RT's no food eighties and nineties very different place right i. Immigrated to the United States from Haiti in Nineteen eighty-one I was four years old and the neighborhood that my mother could afford and was just me and my mother was Bushwick So bushwick at the time was very broken and dilapidated, very much like the Bronx and Harlem. So these neighborhood attack rundown buildings burnt out buildings because of the economic strife. That was in new. York City in the Seventies. So she rented a top floor apartment in a Brownstone by a friend a friend of a friend another Haitian immigrant who had his own business in the basement floor and he was a tailor and Bush get the time was affordable for a lot of immigrants because it was sort of no man's land. And for a long time. It was just me and her I left Bushwick in nineteen, eighty seven and a we moved to East, New, York Brooklyn, another broken and dilapidated neighborhood. That's another place that she could afford. So as an immigrant, I was aware of New York culture but was not part of it. I. Was a child, of course. So as a single mother. She was very overprotective and I watched New York City through the top floor window of a building or a brownstone apartment, and when I was allowed to play with the neighborhood kids outside I got made fun of in teased. But one important aspect about my growing up in New York City is a level of fear that my mother had. around the neighborhood kids. So I, now I know that kids just being kids they are a product of their environment but as immigrant as a single mother, my mother was a single mother as only her only daughter for a time. Neighborhood Kids were sort of a threat she was mugged in Bushwick Park and she was mugged a few times in fact, and that sort of fear she instilled in me for a very long time up until high school. When I started, you know having boyfriends she still remembered the neighborhood kids being sort of a threat and I was actually in sixth grade in east. New. York. Brooklyn when the Central Park five case had happened but before that I remember on gets in the subway vigilante trial I remember all those other racial violence incidents in New York City I watched it in a news I was a latchkey kid. And this all filtered into just my whole view and perspective of New York City as a child as an immigrant child and as a girl quite frankly. So I mean there there's a sense of danger that that is built into I and I mean if my understanding is also I mean. Part of I know your mom sounded incredibly protective I'm curious also whether that was entirely response just what she was experiencing in and around New York in the eighties where there's some of that also was drawn from the circumstances that led her and you to originally leave Haiti in the first place where she was essentially fleeing a relationship for safety purposes for both of you. A exactly, my mother was broadcast journalist in Haiti and my father was the owner of the radio station and he was thirty years older than her. So. What she was fleeing a sense with another form of Patriarchy that looks somewhat different than it does here in his country in that women go into relationships for financial support in a in a different way or fear there is no choice as I tell young people when I talk about my immigrant story is that there is no sexual harassment in a third world or developing country there is sexual harassment, but there's no calling out. metoo movements look very different in the developing world.
3 Dire Reasons to Simplify Your Life
"Three dire reasons to simplify your life by Corny carver. Of. Be. More DOT COM. There are so many benefits of living a simpler life but even when we know what they are, the usually has to be a good reason and immediate need to change while life is humming along it feels easier to do what you've been doing unless he recognize something is clearly broken. I can say from personal experience that sometimes things have to get really broken before you notice when you are overwhelmed with stress and crazy of the day to day the most important thing seemed to slip through your fingers. Fixing was necessary and even urgent seem impossible when you are busy trying to hold everything else together. Three dia reasons to simplify your life. Number one, you are broke. When as Dave Ramsey, Leisa say there is more month at the end of the money and you're struggling to make ends meet. It feels impossible to get to the other side after struggling with debts and living beyond my means for four years. I finally decided to crawl out the credit got shopped store accounts closed and our family cut most unnecessary expenses until it was all paid off, we pay the student loans, car loans, credit card debt, and finally a first a second mortgage when we sold our home last year. I thought it would be a tremendous sacrifice to pull back and put any extra money towards debt pros. Actually a great relief. He gave me time to see that I could be just as happy happier even without buying a new pair of shoes or trying to lift my spirits at the mall. How Star Simplifying Your Finances Get honest. Simplify your finances by making a list of all the money that is going out and coming in. Hostess Simplicity Summit read an implement the total money makeover works. The easiest way to stay stock in debts and stress from money worries is to stop talking about it. Ignoring your money mess is complicated and it affects your health happiness in relationships talk about it with your family or tell the world your finances may be a mess but that doesn't mean you deserve a suffer or feel guilty instead of working so hard to make ends meet were on having fewer ends. Number two, you are sick. Nothing complicated life more than poor health and everything is hard to deal with when you don't feel well, life becomes a big complicated vicious circle. If you don't put your health I, if you aren't used to putting yourself first, this will be a big step by the people you love and take care of deserve the best healthiest version of you. How to start simplifying your health. Get honest make a list of what you eat and drink for a week track your exercise. How do you Medicaid prescription drugs over the counter over the bar from the refrigerator write it down make an appointment for a physical with the doctor you trust bringing your lists if you don't like your doctor get a new one. Eat Food that lifts you up more than the food that drags you down, make your health a priority, and become your own healthy living advocate. Fight for good healthcare in time to take care of yourself. Number three you tired. If all you want to do at the end of the day is fallen bed that makes getting up and doing all over again the next day less than appealing and certainly doesn't contribute to health happiness or overall quality of life. When you're tired you are uninspired and unmotivated everything is harder to get through. Out of simplifying, get your energy back. Get honest identify why you are tired trying to do it all. Are you working too much unhappy with your work or relationships unhealthy. What is dragging you down? At for help, you can't do it all and even your valiant attempts is exhausting. Say No back off, take a NAP reclaim your energy. None of these issues are remedied overnight none of them are easy to fix. Some of them can even make simplicity feel complicated for a while even with all of that, you will feel relief and gratitude after the very first tiny step the rewards you claim when you simplify your life will be worth every credit card you pay off every box of clutter you donate each dinner out vacation in new thing from the mall that you resist it'll be worth every raised eyebrow that comes your way. When you say no to things you cannot afford or when you try a new healthier way eat. I've experienced broke sick and tired, and I'm happy to report that there is a better way when you put a stop to overspending constantly comparing excessive business, proving yourself in your in your body and exhausting your mind, you can find energy save more feel better and be more with less. You don't have to change everything all at once and I don't recommend it instead choose one thing and let them lament on from that change fuel confidence and inspire the next step. Simplicity doesn't promise a perfect life, but it does help you define what happiness means in your life how much you really need to achieve that happiness and what you need to eliminate to maintain it.
You Are In Control of Your Happiness
"So as usual, we will start at a Monday. Even, though it's a holiday weekend here. Gives you even more time to do it do your homework have you done your homework? You sit down and check where your life is I. Tell You I work with a lot of people every single week, a lot of personal coaching clients. And those who sit down and pay attention to how their life is going not just once a week but every day. Really. It goes the direction they wanted to easier. Yeah. Actually it doesn't feel that way the beginning but things flow better when you check in, you make sure Hey, am I taking actions that are GonNa lead me in the direction that I want to go or not? Am I pay attention to the roles in my life throws at a really WANNA fulfill. Am I happy or am I not happy or the things I want to keep your things I want to get rid of? When you take the time to ask those questions. Things Change. Get my perfect week planner at perfect planner dot com download. The PDF watched the short video. It's about twelve minutes. It'll explain to you how to first and foremost. Take control of your time and in that time that we're going to create. You can take control of anything. Go get it. Okay. So you don't already have a lot of people already do they're already using it but just in case So all your happiness. Are you a happy person I personally believe. That we are on this planet to do lots of things but I think the personal quest almost all of us have. Is, to, be, happy. Not Not, just kind of you know sort of not though diet I also not rollercoaster happy either you know now that. But to be happy with the way things are going I. think that's our quest. It's a long life if you're lucky. So I guess it's a double quest. It's to be happy and keep going right. That's a long thing to do if we live eight or nine years of reluctant to do that. But are you in control of your happiness? What would I say if what would you say if I were to tell you? That you're in control. And doesn't have anything with your mindset. Where does Scott everybody says all you mindset got to get your head right checkup from the neck up right attitude ticket. I don't know. It's kind of hard to think yourself happiness. Have you noticed? Never works that way for me just maybe for a minute I'm going to be happy I just could be I know I can decide to be that way, but does it stick now until? It doesn't just doesn't. So. How do we get there? Well. Let's put the facts on the wall I if you're less eighteen years old. That's right this on the wall. You're probably happy. About the time you turn eighteen it Kinda goes down. It's the you right very happy in the beginning. Real life hits. He goes down. And between thirty years old and sixty years old. You're kind of like down in the happiness thing forty seven by the way his about when it begins to turn most people by the time they get to sixty pretty happy in between we go down that Darren rollercoaster you talked about. So it's okay to some degree. It's Illinois okay it's not. We want to be happy right just to get there I want to be happy I wanna be on the rollercoaster you. So how do we get off the door rollercoaster? How do you stay? Happy Turns out. Three. Things help. If you'RE GONNA ask me Scott, what makes you happy and I will usually answer I. I need to be growing. I need know there's I can explore whatever possibility I want. Basically I need to be moving forward and growing when I'm not growing I. AM unhappy. I'm grumpy. I really am. So I constantly keep myself a mode of growing. I. WanNa. Be a control too. So the number one thing that people need to feel happy is feeling in control. When you feel like you have a grasp on what's happening in your world and boy has it been tough this year So you grasp even a small party world. But when you feel like you're in control, you'll be happier. So, how do get their? Education. A college degree does wonders for people but you know you can teach yourself to you can self educate way beyond what you could ever learn in college? And guess what the more you educate yourself. The happier going to be. You see this all the time. So you want control. So getting controls is GonNa make you happy. But one of the ways you get that control is to educate yourself. How did you get yourself? It could be anything. Some people do hobbies they learned lot about fishing. I don't do that hobby nothing about fishing. My Line has not been wet for a very long time. I liked learning about aviation et makes me happy. And other things as well. Education, really the key. So it doesn't that before they will have to go back to school things like that, but you could learn learn learn. Learning expands you it creates mastery which enjoy feel happier. A job. sky don't want a job. What is this thing about Americans don't WanNa work it hit hardest working people on the planet that's not to put anybody else elsewhere the pining down. Americans regard guard they do with the truth is this dream I just don't WanNa work. Yeah. I'll tell you what if you had all the money in the world and you didn't have to work us about six months and you'd get busy some you would get bored you need to stay busy right your job. Whether it's a time job or it's a part time job even if you don't particularly like your boss. Your job gives you purpose every single day even owning your own business, which is not always easy thing to do. It gives you purpose every single day when you have a full-time job a part time job, but you own your own business when you make your income. You're happier person. Don't believe me. Maybe you don't have a job right now how do you feel? Need to educate yourself finds something you do find a way to earn some money. Put yourself back in control, but it's not a mindset. Is it probably the biggest part of the mindset here is getting you to believe that this will happen automatically if you put yourself in that action mode.
It's Okay To Admit You're Not Okay by Melani Schweder
"It's okay to admit you're not. Okay. Bye Melanie sweeter of a brighter wild dot com. Hello dear friends. If you're anything like me, you're probably quite accustomed to putting on a smile and acting fine even when you're not sometimes, we can't avoid work school or social situations. No matter how we're feeling and we don't always feel comfortable dragging around our demons with us. So we lift up the corners of our mouths, cover up the pain and Spat out empty catchphrases in the guise of staying positive. We even do this to ourselves. Sitting at home alone were staring into the mirror we talk up little inspirational sayings and force are nagging little mental demons back into the dark corners. This is probably something that everyone can at least partially relate to but his practically a cornerstone of the chronically ill community. We are afraid of being a Debbie Downer afraid of being vulnerable afraid of being set apart from the rest of our friends and coworkers, and so the masks go on we say everything's okay even if we're exhausted or depressed or in a painful flare up. Even I find myself repeating the same phrase. When asked the obligatory `non-question question how are you? Oh, I'm doing well and you it's almost like someone has pulled an invisible string in my back prompting the exact response regardless of how I'm actually feeling that day. Maybe you find yourself doing the same. And just so we're clear I'm not advocating for spilling your guts out whenever someone simply tries to make small talk. There's a time and place for sharing your truce and struggles plus it's honestly just as bad to respond to someone asking how you are with I'm so stressed or tired or depressed or angry each and every time that's not a helpful way to interact with the world either perhaps you know someone who takes these opportunities to launch into a pity-seeking diatribe about their latest symptoms or doctors, appointments, more career failures, and perhaps your reaction to this person only reinforces your smile and fake it till you make it approach just something ponder. But this blog is really about allowing yourself to be exactly where you are right now instead of pretending or putting on a show, there's a pervasive oppression in the positivity and spiritual communities that tend to make us feel ostracized for experiencing a depth of painful and sometimes uncomfortable emotions. pain or fear or despair, and we are told to simply get rid of those feelings and replace them with something Shinier in prettier and happier. But the problem is emotions just don't work that way. When we stuff down our darkness, we only invite in more anxiety and shame wrapping are already blue moods in a blanket of self loathing embarrassment for those of us on. A healing adventure it's hard not to get sucked into the cult of positive thinking our brains absorb all the quickey facebook posts and motivational quotes, and soon, we begin to think that our ability to feel a wide range of emotions. Both good and bad might be an unhealthy think. Maybe we should only be feeling morm- fuzzy positive things. Then maybe we will finally heal ourselves. no let's just stop right there. Yes being optimimistic and choosing to focus on the lessons and opportunities, and all of Life's challenges is a good thing and can help you feel better. But you know what place real healing comes from self acceptance when you allow yourself to feel everything fully to sit with each thought and emotion until you've seen their every angle, that's when you start to heal when you accept yourself as beautifully flawed human being with both shadow an light aspects. That's when you start to heal when you allow yourself to be afraid and vulnerable and let love and support into your life. That's when you start to heal. You don't heal by denying your pain you only he'll when he walked through it. When something is kept invisible that thing tends to grow stronger, right so stop fighting with your own truth and allow yourself admit you're not okay. Sometimes, you can scream it in your car during rush hour traffic. You can softly side into your to your Sochi Yoga Mat. You can see it in therapy or over coffee with your best friend. It doesn't matter so much the method just that you're allowing yourself to be where you are without judgment. Dark things live within all of us is not just you all we can experience fear pain desperation loneliness Malays and lots more things that maybe we think we shouldn't be feeling but by denying them or sugar coating them, we're only letting them grow and fester until we're sick with self negation. So ask yourself how am I really feeling right now what is going well in my life and what are the things that I want to change? What is making me anxious or depressed or angry, and how can I allow those feelings to just be? I've been do some very dark places in my own life with six years of illness already passed a recent painful divorce and unexpected move out of my beloved home and current career and financial pressures. Yes. I think of tasted the unique flavor of every emotion on the spectrum at this point Augusta Tori journey of doubt and fear freedom and heartbreak pain an awakening. I've been lucky to have a beautiful few people who then runaway upon seeing my suffering they simply held space for me to feel what else feeling in the moment no judgment. No shame. No frenzied attempts at fixing me. I felt safe in that space to admit I wasn't okay. Are you ready to hold that kind of space for yourself? I hope you are or at least in the time being a hope you have a beautiful few people of your own who can hold it for you. Just remember everything you're feeling and experiencing is just perfect. You are exactly where you are supposed to be let yourself explore the shadows as well as playing the light.
The Stages Of Relationships With Mistakes
"Here's the thing about mistakes. It is invoke and. It is certainly popular. To accept that mistakes are going to happen. So I don't want you to check out too quickly because you've kind of jumped on that bandwagon this is something that. Has Been discussed a lot in. An podcast like this it certainly has been discussed in plenty of books. We talk a lot about the importance of psychological safety. In today's episode, we're GONNA take. Another step further. And not just talk about acceptance of mistakes. There's more to this discussion there's more to how we should behave or how we can behave. To deal with mistakes better to have a better relationship with them. So hopefully. You'll stick around. As we go through this scale and there's five kind of categories, five points on this scale that you can find yourself on almost certainly, you'll find yourself somewhere on this on this scale. Now, of course, we're going to talk about it in terms of very discrete points on the scale. But this is a continuum. You'RE NOT GONNA act only one way you're not going to fall entirely into one point on the scale but I encourage you to consider how you might react or how you might behave to move to a new point on this scale if you don't like where you're at. All right. So this this podcast, this episode is not intended to. Make you feel bad about where you are on the scale but instead to. Try to provide a clear picture of the full-scale. Altogether. So the is to zoom out of your own circumstance. and Try to imagine what other circumstances. May allow. At one thing that will note in advance before we get into the scale is that there's no point on the scale where you have escaped the relationship with mistakes. In other words, you always have mistakes. There's no point on the scale where you will be able to break away and stop making mistakes so. That should not be a goal as much as we wanted to be a goal, it shouldn't be a goal. And part of the reason for that is because. If. We don't have mistakes than we are probably not learning. We're not pushing past our previous. Barriers not just individually, but as teams, and we're not helping others grow. Okay. Let's get into the five stages of your relationship with mistakes we're going to start at the. least healthy relationship with mistakes. That is the stage one this willful ignorance willful ignorance. You've seen this done before you probably have done it at some point and perhaps he regretted it. But the idea here is that you just ignore the mistake. Whether that's a bug in code or some other mistake, some other faults. You are willfully choosing to ignore it. This isn't because you're not aware of it right It's possible that you're not aware of a lot of mistakes. which this kind of scale you can't really have a relationship with something that you're unaware of. So we kind of ignore that for the sake of this episode but. If you're willfully. Choosing. To avoid any kind of contact with the mistake in other words you're not investigating it. You're not. Trying to change it in any way. You're not trying to understand it in any way. You're just ignore you're going about it. You're going about your job, you're. Writing Your Code is if that bug doesn't doesn't exist at all. You might ship that bug into production knowing it's there. Now why is this important state to bring up? Because this is something that we do more often than we realize most likely we are choosing to. To. Prioritize one thing over another understanding that there's a mistake. That we're not rectifying. and. In some ways, this is actually functional. This is important to be able to do with the right kinds of mistakes but. The part that breaks down and what's unhealthy about this stage is the idea that we're choosing to kind of stick our head in the sand where willfully ignorant. It's a little bit different to be cognizant of the mistake to understand it and to be able to categorize it into a category that says, oh, this is a low priority mistake, right? But that's not what the stages the stage one is willfully ignorant. So you don't know what the priority is because you're choosing not to inspect any further. Now, you can be on the opposite end of the scale and we'll talk about the opposite end of the scale shortly, but you could be on the opposite end of the scale and still choose to ship known bugs into production because they're low priority Maybe you found work around or whatever the case is, but you're not being ignorant on that end of the scale right? We're GONNA. Talk about that in the scale but understand this will ignorance is the idea that somehow you expect the universe or heard some other force To manage the mistakes for you. What's strange is that sometimes that actually happens right sometimes, we ship a bug into production. And then we write code we rip out some Old Code Not even knowing that that co contain the bug that we shipped to production and that bug of course, because it's been replaced with new code and bug goes away so. This accidentally works right. Is Not by design, we're not dealing with our mistakes by design we're dealing with them haphazardly or by chance. Okay let's move on to stage number two. and. This is still not a very healthy stage but at the very least, we're not willfully ignorant. This stage is treating mistakes as anomalies treating mistakes as anomalies. The idea here is when a mistake occurs, we consider it to be. An exception. We considered to be out of the norm. And so we don't plan for mistakes. If we're in the states, right we ended up having to work extra overtime because we expect that we can work at, let's say eighty or ninety percent utilization of our time. and. We'll be fine because we don't make mistakes regularly, and so why would we build in time to deal with them? And this is where we find our problem. Right? Because anytime a mistake occurs not only do we immediately jump into kind of an urgent state. But we also don't plan ahead for them because if mistakes are anomalies than. At on average, we're not going to have them. On the average day, we shouldn't spend extra time preparing for those mistakes. Because, they don't happen often enough to prepare for them. Of course in that stressful state when we've made a mistake. And we're already at our limit. We're having to fix our mistake above our limit. This is a critically important thing for managers especially understand if you push your team to their limit. When it comes to a critical moment. Mike for Example if you ship a bad bug into production. But you're already at your limit your already pushing people to the point that they can't really give any more tired or they're. Mentally burned out. Then you're in a really bad scenario to deal with that mistake. And even though you're not willfully ignoring it. This is still a bad scenario to be in. This is still a bad relationship with mistakes. Because you're already at the limit, you're probably going to make another mistake. And you can see where this goes right as we continue to snowball our mistakes on top of each other rather than slowing down and having the head space to deal with them. Those mistakes continue to compound. Right so this leads to really bad kosher and of course, treating mistakes as anomalies. Makes People feel horrible. It makes people feel bad and not only bad. But also scared they're afraid to make mistakes and we know from plenty of research and we already kind of alluded to this at the beginning. That the opportunity to make mistakes is critical to success. It's critical to having an innovative in healthy team. in in this is something that has been shown in study after study, right this is not novel if we have people who are afraid because they think they're going to make a mistake and it's going to push everybody past their limit because mistakes are supposed to be anomalies. That's a really bad situation to be in both individually and does teams.
How Zero Sum and False Dichotomy Thinking is Distorting Your Decisions
"One of the things that we talk about a lot on this show. Cognitive distortions. These are filters or Kind of lenses they see the world through. and. These have a major effect on your belief structures and they have a of course major effect on the way that you react to the stimulus that you receive in the world. Whatever stimulus is right that's a fancy way of saying. However, you make decisions is going to be largely affected by these distortions and there's a lot that we've talked about on the show. And we've probably talked about this one quite a few times. But I WANNA talk specifically about how this particular distortion limits, what you believe and also what you believe is possible. as engineers we know that. So much of what we might currently believe is distant or close to impossible that engineering and science and that iterative method. Question an inquiry all of these things have made so much that we once thought was impossible possible. And That's the kind of the muscle that I want you to stretch and inspect in this episode. Because, this particular cognitive distortion is A egregiously difficult sometimes to get passed. In the cognitive distortion is kind of a mix of two different things. One is binary thinking. We've talked about this quite a few times on the show. You can also call this. False dichotomy thinking. The idea that any given scenario, there are only two options. There's almost always more than two options. There's almost always more than two answers. Now. What's really interesting about this particular distortion? Is that it's easy to see why our brain does this. It's easy to see that. It's much easier to think about two things than it is to think about three it's easier to weigh the pros and cons between two options than it is to weigh them between three. and. So if we are aware of this, we can see ourselves going to this very easily polarized way of thinking most obviously, it happens in politics there is one side or the other, but we also think this way in sports. There are very few marge scale sports that have more than one team playing at a given point in time most often those sports. Are Single player. So we end up with this easy to understand or easy to comprehend the differences between these two options, and so it makes it tempting to polarize your options so that you can either subscribe or deny. You either. Get behind something or you can push away from something. It's much more nuanced in reality right? A politics are obviously much more nuanced and certainly all the decisions that we make as engineers. If we end up in this kind of false dichotomies world where we put one thing against another. Those very often are much more nuanced as well. It's not one language versus another language it's. All of the options that are possibly on the table. And so our brain works very quickly. To reduce that variability and to try to make the decision easy to try to make the comparison. Easy. This is purely for efficiency sake our brain is an of interested biologically speaking in doing the least possible conserving the most energy for other tasks, and so it's easy to see why false economy could could rise up in that scenario right? Your brain is pushing you to create very distinct an obvious categories. Similarly. This is the second cognitive distortion when these to combine, they can create a dangerous scenario. The. Second cognitive distortion is thinking zero-sum. So what does that mean? You've probably heard of zero-sum the concept zero-sum. The basic idea is that whatever resources are currently available and we'll get into that a little bit whatever resources are currently that's all that will be available. So, we have to allocate those resources. In some particular way and most critically if you take resources from one location and you put them into another location. You're kind of unequivocally taking away from one thing to give to another.
3 Ways Mindfulness Simplifies Life
"Three ways. Mindfulness simplifies life by Kathryn beard with simply fiercely dot com. A few years ago. I felt massively overwhelmed with life though nothing particularly overwhelming was going on I felt like there was something weighing me down the days seem to merge into each other nells going through the motions of my daily routine without even noticing what I was doing as I searched endlessly on the Internet for ways to make myself feel calmer I came across the likes of Marie Condo light by cocoa and Caroline Rector of unfair easy dot com. All to read these ladies has something in common. They spoke of how minimalism downsizing can greatly improve your life. Those never the type of person to hold onto sentimental stuff is clothes in my closet still at the tags on them because I told myself, I may wear them some day. I had moved around a few times in the previous years in only realized how much stuff I owned when it came time to pack everything up. Once I learned about minimalism I was convinced downsizing would be the answer to all of my problems after all maybe the clutter around me was weighing me down. I immediately started to declutter thing by pared down my belongings and embraced a capsule Wardrobe I dug twenty fifteen the year of less and I felt great about the way my stuff wasn't overwhelming me anymore. Of course, things didn't stay that way forever. There was a part of me that thought I still feel overwhelmed I was convinced that minimalism would make my life feel perfect because it was simple because they are rid of the stuff that didn't bring me joy. I thought instantly feel more joy. The naive. The situation was that I still had a lot of work to do on myself beyond the things I owned though my life looked calmer and clutter free on the outside I'll still overwhelmed and anxious on the inside don't get me wrong. There are so many benefits downsizing but there's also some inner work that needs to take place in order to appreciate. Will we have once we've simplified? Not sure of the exact moment when I learned about the concept of mindfulness. But as soon as I did it changed everything for me, mindfulness means living in the current moment without worrying about the future or the past. Once I understood this concept I recognized that the overwhelming worrying my life, the kind that can be routed by decluttering my stuff was caused because was living in the future. Over the years that I've been living more mindful lifestyle life has felt a little simpler because I know we all dream of simpler and calmer lives I'm sharing. Three ways that mindfulness has helped me live more simply on a deeper level. Mindfulness helps me identify priorities. Mindfulness helps me to clearly see what's important since Guinea started with mindfulness. My head space has become a lot clearer. Mindfulness has helped me to discern between actual problems and ones. They don't really need to worry about I've better identified was important to me because I can think more clearly without getting distracted by outside noise also become more mindful about what I let into mental and physical space have set clear boundaries on what I'm willing to spend time and money on. Mindfulness, helps me making better decisions. Longer feel so torn about whether I should do this or that I've been able to tune into my intuition know what feels right to me rather than going back and forth on decisions like should I buy this or Shatman that party of a better sense of who I am and what I stand for, which means it simpler to make decisions? Mindfulness helps me feel more content with what I already have. Mindfulness has helped me to leave behind the idea that I need new things all the time as someone who used to spend countless hours at the mall and online browsing. I know how exciting it can feel to buy new things. Of course, new things are exciting but have become a lot more content with what I already have in my life because mindfulness encourages me to live in the current moment I spend less time worrying about adding new things into my life and more time enjoying what I already have. If you've been struggling with overwhelming wondering why life doesn't feel quite as simple as you like it to be consider making mindfulness part of your routine living in the moment is a lot easier said than done, but it's definitely worth the effort.
Arian Moayed On How Fear Never Leaves, And Why You Should Just Keep Going
"I believe in curiosity I just I. Just think that we can't do anything without it early and just asking people obey the is basically a version of empathy. Enemy. Empathizing with WHO people are and what they do over were you the curious kid like is this something that's been part of your life or somebody who cultivated? Yeah. I mean. I think the circumstances of my life you know being born in Iran and then moving here as young immigrants in the eighties where Iran was like enemy enemy number one if you recall. And like Iran Russia which kind of back there again I kind of felt that like you know I was so curious about this world is culture and I think that's kind of where it started also you know It's crazy. It was crazy. My parents don't speak any the my spirit's English is not great. The they came here when they were forty and fifty. The I mean it's not like they. You know I'm thirty seven. So like imagining myself in three years time taking all of an IV and Chrissy and saying, Hey, well, going to move to China and we're GONNA make this. We're going to make life better in China as a show I mean that's All you can be as curious I. Guess. Yeah. I guess. So how so how old were you when you actually let on? Well, we laughed Iran you know it's hard to tell because at time here was crazy there was a war happening and I think a lot of you especially you a bit younger don't don't really remember that whole window of of our history and our relationship with Sir Yeah, the Middle East Yeah. Yeah it's complicated. It's long and it's GonNa either bore fascinate all of you guys. But the the the the the truth is we you know it's it's. It's it's hard to talk about because there's so many levels to like how crazy it is. One is my mom was married to my dad at the age of thirteen. My mom was thirteen Wendo arranged marriage. My mom is pretty standard. You know it was on the outs in that time period. Yeah. But my parent, my mom's mom was a single mom she was the youngest you know she couldn't make she couldn't make it happen, and so she had to like you know she had to like give I, guess her her daughter La youngest daughter away and so then my dad, my dad's they were more religious than my mom's side was and so. They got arranged. My mom had her first kid at fifteen years old her second kid at sixteen and Arthur kid eighteen, and then had me when she was thirty five. So my siblings are seventeen eighteen in. I'm sorry. Yes. Some teen eighteen basically twenty years than me. So, and then and then the revolution hit seventy nine. And then a war hit right after that because Saddam invaded with you know and then got the support of the United States. You know because we of the Iranian situation and then we were in a war. And so everyone was closed inside as is bombings happening all over Tehran all over the border, and so we were indoors and and you know when when people get doors and there's a lot of fear in the air of uncertainty, you procreate you know and so the baby boom in Iran happened at that moment in seventy nine to eighty five, where like sixty percent of Iranian. Population right now in Iran is under the age of forty. Fascinating you walk down the street and everyone's young. So anyway and then and then. CRAZILY my brother. My oldest brother was sixteen. When he graduated high school in Iran, his name is Amir And then he went to A. He got accepted to a school in. CHICAGO. Right. When he was sixteen. So sixteen twentyish he's in Chicago, ish issue like something like that, and then the revolution hit. And then my brother was like should I come back and. My parents were like you're never coming back here will come to you. And then in that time period. My. Youngest my brother that's closest to me who seventeen his name is. Oh, mead omen was drafted in the Iran Iraq war. And fought three years in that war. With a couple of my cousins who are who are who have passed away who died in that war one of them, which data that were, and then my brother was in war my sister was in the middle there. I was just born. We got the F out of town and we went we went as far as my dad's connections and money and. You know and you know connections could could could take you in that was Dubai. We've got to Dubai who lived in the Arab Emirates and we were there for off and on for about five years and then and then we and then you know a long period of time you know no one heard it from my brother was fight in the war. And trying to and trying to try to like move three pieces ahead while also like making sure the pieces back here it's a chess game you know and and dangerous one. And then my dad then. We had were that Amigos live. We went back to Iran. Might he got back? He was no nine, hundred twenty you know fought three years in a war in a city called Oh mead his name is omitted, which means hope and wherever like was slaughtered murdered and died because it was a brutal war brutal war and he he's a twenty year old brainwashed you know. PTSD. Kid. And in that time period as we're figuring out to go back to Dubai and come back, my sister falls in love. Falls in love with the guy and and then that made things tricky and then, and then we all laughed and my sister stay. So I- sister got the states in two thousand and three we left in eighty five. So An and then we came to the states and again you know the analogy that the Chinese like us like you and me and you taking your family and your son going to China or whatever language that you don't know our culture, the No, and you're like, this is the best news for us. Now you know you're GonNa, you're not going to be easy and so in all of that, you just get you know a a sense of like the world in a very kind of complicated way. A very young age and and not only do they not speak the language they don't know what? Christmases. They don't know what Hanukkah is. They don't have any idea why people are going to church all the time. They have no clue why the cars are this way they don't know why the food is patching. There's nothing that is familiar. There's nothing that you can empathize with as as an Iranian living in the states and being like I know this thing and so in all that you are learning rapidly. You know a very drastic way and so that curiosity might have had something to do with it. I'm not really sure
Are You a Rock Star or Member of The Band?
"It is Monday. On Monday. Fourteen years I've asked a question. And if you've ignored me for fourteen years, God bless you you are good. You're awfully good because I've been doing this every single Monday. Have you done your homework? Just sit down and just take a few minutes. Maybe five minutes just today maybe after this program has done. And look on yourself just to see how you doing. It's like your mom opening the look at any after she took piano at night right? You know she opened the door, but you pretended to be asleep. You can look at it on yourself say how how doing? Marolles my family roles, my relationships, roles, spiritual roles, my physical rolls, my financial world how many doing my life? Are there things in my life I just really love and he just want to keep so much gratitude for. WanNa make sure they stay in my life or the things that I don't love that much and maybe I'd like to have them go someplace else. But you haven't thought about how to do that yet. When you take a few minutes to self assess where your focus should be. I'll make you this promise. Next week when you do it again, a lot of the stuff that you are concerned about this week that you discovered, it'll be different next week it'll be you'll be on your way you'll be transforming moving in a different direction that's how it works. When you become aware would you like what? You don't like you start making natural changes its natural, right? So do homework. You know what are the ways it all begins is taking control of your time and allowing yourself time to well to be yourself and to spend time with yourself in the do things that are important to you. If you haven't picked up my perfect week planner, go get it. It's motivation and we've DOT COM or perfectly finer dot com. It's a quick little pdf download watch the video. It'll teach you how to gather control of your time and give your life back. It's fast it's simple. You'll see it it a change everything and just a couple of days I promise that. So you rockstar. Or you'll member the band which went are you it's Ok does it really matter which role you play I don't really care. I just WANNA make sure you're moving towards your goals a long long long time ago I remember this I was raising kids. Those of you that are. Probably remember the old George Carlin. Album called am and FM. What happened? Got A kid. What are you GonNa do with a kid. Going to raise them. So I was done I was raising the kid. Micah folks raise my kid I thought what he's eighteen. He's Outta here. He's done right well, that didn't happen. They never go away those who've had kids. It doesn't ended eighteen those you have older kids you know that never stops. But he was gonNA. Move Out. It was time to go out on his own. Conversation about that. The rockstar conversation. So he he's staying out to four in the morning being a rockstar every single night trying to be a rockstar keeping his mom up kind of disrupting the households twenty one years old he wasn't really working or anything. I don't do roommates. Just don't I mean I. Get it. But but this is a little bit disruptive. So because it's okay, I'M GONNA move out I'm going to go to Hollywood and sing on Sunset Boulevard. Yar. Now's a guy who's been all kinds of big dreams in my life and done a lot of things. A lot of experience a had some perspective and I just wanted to say it are you willing to do what it takes to get you to the top? To be that Rockstar. And if you don't get. Do. You think you want to be. Are there any other options that might make you happy I mean what if you independence as as a background player with that? Happy. He said, you know I don't think I would I think I gotta go for my dream said great as long as you know where you're going to go but then we talked a little bit about what may may occur on down the road but he said I gotta go from dreams at on I think you probably should his dad did that I did that I got out of high school and took off and I said I'm going to be a rock and roll radio DJ do morning shows I did all over the country everywhere all kinds of cool stuff had a great time is a Rockstar on the radio star back in the day when that's what they were back then. But you know what? I kind of learned something. My son learned to. As, much as it was really enjoyable as much as I really had a good time doing it. Then frankly as much as I was good and he was good to never forget him. Shooting facetime say hey, look I'm on stage on sunset boulevard singing the song is it how was it goes not what I expected