Coping with Grief with Marcia Merrill
Welcome to live love. Engage the podcast where we share practical advice from a spiritual perspective on how you can live fully love deeply and engage authentically. I am your host. Gloria Grace Ram. Now let your light shine Nama. Stay an welcome. I am Gloria. Grace Ran. I am so glad that you have joined us for another episode of live. Love engaged thank you. Thank you for listening. And today I am joined by someone who I met through facebook. It's wonderful how you can connect with people online She is an amazing woman. Her name is Marsha Merrill and she has over three decades of experience. Coaching people through life. Transitions including fifteen years as a career adviser Assistant Director College Career Center. She's the author all turning midlife into the white life like that. The said good title and a contributing author to numerous international bestseller's covering topics From grief to successful entrepreneurship and Marsha creative and resourceful coach known by her client says the Human Google Allah so you must know a lot of stuff or at least you knew how to pull up of stuff so so welcome saying I'm delighted to be here. Thank you so much asking me. Well awesome well one of the reasons why I bought this. Be Perfect to have you on. is unfortunately as we're going through as we're recording this. It's the end of April. Ruined the middle of this Pandemic hopefully we're coming to maybe possibly the end. I hope but a lot of people have been have been certainly suffering losing loved ones and have been grieving. And I know that you are quite familiar with this process Having only within the last couple years lost your husband and become a widow yourself so I thought it would be useful to start off topping talking about that in how you how you coped with. Fateh courage though. He died of cancer in June of two thousand eighteen Misdiagnose team loans earlier with C. H. for Bladder Cancer? And my world upside count Visit mad was Greenland's house Buell and that how coach Valve Right now When I think about it when things are really bad I played publicly nine game for words with friends from all over the funder round gray you can tell I looked in my journals as something else. I keep a journal hand. So it can you haul everything do but It's really great because the book Vilem Rating He's crying transition without. We did everything together. Rechannel bicycle. I mean how metaphorical that a friend. I was in the bag so S- quite devastating disease leagues. I think that I coped much better than I thought it would. I was organized. Now brief I had a leisure raving until I packed up my hal. Wilson downsizing got rid of in apartment so and was initially thinking. We're GONNA buy rancher and life would go on well. Didn't I'm known as the transition chick besides evening and He was really focused. On just the support I was very scans parent. What's going on I found that I wanted a widow coach and I couldn't find what so I became a own coach and that really helped happens when Mike winner knows nouns like schizophrenic. Really to to think about tasings Gary were well to do the next thing. Even if the next thing is making the phone call Burger huge laundry list of all things I didn't do. And that's a rounding itself within like everyone have you mo day night my time right next to them that with one wave coping And I reached out to my facebook family to my my real family. You merrily trialed and with my parents are and so the narrows have not taken me in which is Sisa That doesn't happen. You KINDA lose track. People Has Really how COQ redheugh journal cooking myself and reaching out that's awesome. I'm I WANNA ask you a little bit. I was going to ask you about something else but I wanna ask you a little bit more about the actual grief process itself. Because I know for me I went through it a few years ago. My sister passed the end of twenty sixteen and the the next two years after that. Were definitely a lot of sort of hills and valleys of like all of a sudden Grief would come on and when I kinda thought I was getting getting back in gear and then something would happen. How is that? Did you find that sort of experience? Grief Grief is a roller coaster. There's not need steps that you can go through this and that And I think that really had to be gentle with myself not do it all at once and know that. I wasn't totally there. We go brain brain fog. Whatever you WANNA call it had nothing to do with my teller Jen's or going CIO. I just didn't know someone could basically based on. I'm getting downstairs and I would be waiting for come back and do something else just happened I had fourteen months to rare but you never repairs in my second year first year. Pretty Lifting Jock. You don't believe it and you cried. Continually thought heads were human gearbox a not a pretty cry little by little got better where to call those things Reef ambushes long minding your own business and song will come on were Adrian. That you've gotten Brenda bracy. Swore needs you think something else. You don't know if you're not repair you can like yeah. I'm dude I I'm going long way him. Say It's all over. I now the life changing in band absolutely. So what from your experience? Now I love how you that you decided to become a coach to help other women in the situation. Some similar situation you I think is great. So what advice would you have for someone who finds the themselves you know especially maybe suddenly losing someone? 'cause 'cause I knew at least you said that you were sort of prepare because he had the diagnosis but sometimes things can happen. A loved one really exactly. Yeah I bart. I was repaired but even when he was hospice. I figured the cavalry become. They have new drug and it would be pay out of hus. That's does Vince. You often as in never so. My on strategy was to get information from him at where the information made tense is trump's phone which is not going to be on forever and I thought he was lot. More savvy ewing taxes hand financial stuff though. I thought it was together. Hey listen together get passwords start doing the finances so you're not like thrown into it wake. I know it's We doing the hip and he was the financier guy in the computer guy. Which is why. I'm having major problems right now with The first month I sent the The mortgage to the gas electric be our else. I didn't pay water bill. I find it was taken out your voice ins some. I'm slater thank you have been didn't turn the water up And understood A Gibson feared sons Axon. Were you doing Things I did was cut off all Payments from the bank as your step is one. Get Your Bank you the certificate and get that Spring doubt. If it's only on his account it takes a little longer and usually banks might dance. Use money to deal with some stuff by it I kinda had to do it by the seat of my pants and when they think about it why didn't may ask. I have no idea. I don't even know of my taxes. Through sheer herb. Two years ago. Firewalls He was so meticulous. And then why isn't and it would be day by day thing like you'd be talking about heritage with uterus the foul and the next thing babbling and I had no idea but you're saying man Had To get word Nice and realized that. So what if you paid on the lane? I'm been do everything the old school way know. I'm doing it burns A very eye opening experience and I don't like men anyone do that while I think that's a good that is a good lesson in and I know that something my my husband is very good about diligently saying we have a book where we have all the information and he's even told the kids this is where some of the information is too because again you know if something were to happen you know God forbid they need to be able to have access to that information but it's it is you know it doesn't matter whether you're you're a man or woman if you're you need to make sure or you even if you're same sex marriage you need to make sure that your partner if you're if you've got a partner life partner to make sure that you move know where to find things you know how to be able to access stuff Because yeah you never know things. Things happen and exactly. Yeah so what is there. Something that Some hope I guess maybe you goes is that what's the maybe a silver lining. That may have come out of this for you and that you can offer people well You're from than you think you are mean and on radio lead. Booker looked Would you do a first time for widow or something very genius to see result? There and first thing they said was getting a team together. Well I don't know about you. But was last thing was getting in and being a leader in the idea of reaching out to people. He's saying they won a health. I think that was really important. Kissing of how a lot of people ask me. What do I say where you can't say anything really? I'm sorry for your loss Don't say he's in a better place any more like that. Because you're not ready to hear it's really helpful. Things were watering my one. I'm really basic things. Did people over were casseroles and muffins. Whatever by Something I didn't have to worry about fooling my yard walking my doll Dog had no here. My husband was really that dogs. Primary Sukey Gotcha fat. That does have list of what possible things people can do. So got better and help you out. oftentimes Roy. Oh we don't need anything on Vine move you're not and that's why I say being gentle with yourself Is Okay and make a list. Even though Sam Soup the casseroles muffins with Working during your windows somewhat crash out. Ua that wasn't in my radar room. So I was real lucky that he had really good friends. And They Kim move for and help me clean now south. I didn't even know where to was. That resort helpful reaching out even facebook group now alone together club and it started as a panacea for me on. Malone with my cat right so I wanted to brief out others and We were with couple of people and it's now the of sorry. Obviously he courts just gives me purpose and that's real important Even if your purposes getting up getting frisks things that you're going to do we're all you're really not and I feel I feel cold to widows white me I know it's at Dipa seed but her or not you know it or you're getting importance to know that there's something better and the reaching out and not isolating is which one do but operation keep Martian busy. I hear these people take meter lunch and dinner and whatnot or calling me up how you doing dumb question absolutely and I know that is I think the hard thing is that people who are they don't know what to say when when you know a friend or family member goes through some of this stuff. It's it's I like how you said don't say that they're in a better place because that isn't going to help in the time bay maybe a year from now or two years from now. They might respond to that. But even then you don't know what their beliefs are necessarily. And I think so what what would be better thing maybe for someone to say just into at least because I know that there are people who who would be like you know. I want to be able to be of some sort of comfort but I don't know what to say a thing. I'm sorry for loss on. You don't know what they mean. Winds beliefs are mining. Fluted on so start tying me that Devos's chaplain rabbi. Here would thank you. And we talk individually doubt that but I'm sorry for loss real service that was signed I talked to one person and she said well. You knew your skin giant way. That's helpful links. And if they say I do when he's saying how they're if the wrong vet proudly could and we'd your garden but that might be something you know. I haven't taken that my garbage. I haven't had time to dig. Shower had been a one is. Dick Shower The prescribe weeks. I ran round engines clothing spreading clothing way. I got to stop. Curdle is eighty five degrees out. And I have this Wasco or something game your nuts but again. It's one of those things but try to get people tasks like that. That's true you know but really wasted people go back to their lives. But you are the one dealing with relief Yeah Supporting Votes. So mean they just wipe on hand then. Making life goes on very differently. still happen. Yeah absolutely What would be Was there anything in particular that surprised you persue by going through this experience That you didn't expect never would have thought that that would have happened. was physically even paying. I didn't happen. I didn't think I didn't know I didn't think I didn't know. What a reciprocally in pain. My heart was breaking. I mean literally. You Shards zero very disconcerting. A I was link may have been heart attack. What's going on a stumping was just not Now I know what that means. Eating was not an option that the day here in the daytime but allowed to drinking water. Its own wooden Jews at jets with yourself if you only want to be known though few have yeah absolutely. Yeah it's it's really about making yourself feel good in the moment and because it is it's a it's a rough process and it takes time so you just have to. Kinda figure out ways that you can get through it day by day because it does eventually. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just hard to see when you're in the middle of the dark isn't it S? Absolutely Yeah Cupola would say oh. You don't get better in time. You really don't believe that it's going to be terrible forever and you're going be a watch force in Bryan Frye and bets. It does get better tonight Now I can look at certain pictures for billy. Couldn't before and to memories and smile. I don't expect that you're going to go home. And the look in your whipping out and be oh happy. It's not gonNA happen. Yeah did you that. That reminded me some. Did you ever have anybody say like well? It's been you know over here now. You know. Snap out of it kind of thing. Okay have hasn't hasn't been long enough reminds really getting questions about Time to von. It's not it. Sounds like you're leaving something and Case moving forward It's much better saint about moving on. I was asked if I wanted to. Certain d thing grinch who were kind of like okay now now jain over it Jimmy Bell other things. You know helpful Person signed me up. Were a reading. They send their these men on my phone. Same Bad said we knew he was gonna die a cheese yet. She's not either but she really wanted to tell me she know what was going through nap. That's another really non-helpful thing going through. I'm really good personal unique briefings theory when I say sometimes is and really get it and people realized really do yeah Bradford Ben Landau going through with to one of those things you say but really don't it's absolutely. Yeah yeah so I that is so important for people to realize that is everybody agrees their own way and it takes as long as it takes so there s no. There's no time limit is and I know it can be frustrating for well-meaning family and friends but you've got to let people work through it. That's because that's the only way it's going to actually work so yeah. Goodness found bird weather to To him as him getting mail and sledders right yeah. I made the ceremony and pour it up and room. Date and non goal. Whitman helps is really careful but Zim By stuff is real stuff. Wake believing him tour open for Open Mad Priorities. Really Shifts and Express enough getting slinging getting harder. I and K but in these skidding rests. I approve position on. Even if you're in you shirt that throw important drinking water Exercising helps Stress is the time. Has They really to pick up new team again? you have more energy you exercise in that kind of thing and also realize it is still exhausting. It's not like I didn't do anything today. Yeah he really did you got grass watch. Tv Yeah Right. You need something Joan can think so. You're going to be exhausted their times. I remember just sat on my chair and I thought well I get up and I have to do this. No yeah absolutely so if I guess what I would think. Probably one of the best things is also is being able to know. You don't have to do this alone and each out to people. So how and in particular Coaching Nag. You say so if someone wanted to be able to reach out to you for instance and you also mentioned facebook so maybe you can repeat that again. Earth currently over facebook and twitter and of at also my website is widow coaching dot com. And you can get a hold of me When trump transitions is all that reinventing yourself really specialized with midlife women so my sight is Midlife Transition Coaching? I need to know coaching at g. Mail Dot Com last of transferring. Everything over like say print obese facebook. You shout out. Whatever joined the alone together club if most of the members had someone living with them. But we're all alone sometimes. What said the `isolation that's really important to not do you want to and it's time to go into. Kunene with you anything but getting how. What human nature. Even though you're like now all in one really helped I asked to coach either. Say Well is it is. It is here okay. Is there evidence? Were this is false Spearing real something like okay but my Frago skying on and I would I not kind of and write in my journal. That's really important. And maybe list everything at Calendar Boat. Seven calendar stroke didn't happen Gordon to calendar it was on air so I would forget anything And then they had friend look at it as well asked me if I forgot something achieved been in the teams so that really helpful and she taught me something. I'm okay but not today I like that. Yeah Yeah giving your some Russians Kate. Yeah just it's not a good day. Yeah Yeah Scan. Well thank you so much for sharing this awesome information with us today. I know it's going to help people out there and So make sure that you. Do you find Marsha and if you are alone even if you're alone like right now just dealing with a pandemic in a lot of people who live alone so even. I think that's probably a good place to hang out so to to check in with that group. So you know that you don't have to be a long rate. I am do a lot of things and well uncoached. So if night do is part of parenting But the idea of the pandemic isolation. I can't tell you how many grids are talking about. It's really not good. It gives me if you're thinking and thinking I'd Brady out. Were used a tape recorder in Brown Officio out. Yeah absolutely yeah. Because you'd be leaving bottled up that's just gonNA cause much more problems down. So yeah so it's a good idea. I love Jerem. That's that's such a excellent way to be able to help in any circumstance no matter what you're dealing with even if you have you're not dealing with grief times you just have frustration with what's going on in your life right now I know I've I've I've coached my clients as well and saying you know. Just get those feelings out on paper for a while and really can help you allot so so great advice. And also I had branchy Jew and even when it was dark is Stan. I was a basket case and Been could be grateful for even sunshine racine or that or work in my lap or whatever get a big rope teeth kind of thing yes Jeff shifting here energy does oxen yeah of gratitude is definitely can cure a lot of ills physical as mental. And just can really shift your rations. So yeah and and like you said it doesn't have to be anything major. It can be just grateful that I can. I've got sitting on a chair right now. You know I'm I'm grateful. Not I've got a roof over my head you know. It doesn't have from my head is Have Animals near me. People are emphasised right. Look all SIM cards. I had the one table into picture of them Cheer be after people there. Yeah Nicely it's just really bad for you. It's bad for everybody. Yeah so yes we are. We are social creatures and we need to stay connected. Even if it's over zoom right now you need to do find a way to stay connected. Don't don't be don't allow yourself to be isolated. So yeah so. Thank you so much for being on the program today. Thank you all for listening and if you want to make sure that you are connected so you don't miss our next episode. Be Sure and subscribe to the podcast on whatever platform you are on whether it's itunes or stitcher or Google were there and Also if you're watching the video make sure that she subscribed to my youtube channel. Which is Gloria ran video until next time I encourage you to live fully love deeply and engage authentically one more thing before you go as a valued listener of the live loving gauge podcast. I want to help you shine your light in the world. Not only while you're listening to the show but all day every day of the week that's why I created the would love engage spiritual awakening community on facebook. It's a place for you to gather with other business professionals and entrepreneurs who are committed to living the life of their journey. If you WANNA be a part of this community band receive free trainings from me. Go to live. Love engage dot com and request to join. That's L I. V E L. O. Beaten G. A. G. E. DOT COM covid nineteen known as corona virus has spread throughout the world symptoms of this respiratory disease may include fever cough and shortness of breath. These symptoms may show up to fourteen days after exposure. 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